INGO: Joke of the day page

[MRockwell]

A Woman Walks Into A Butcher shop Just
Before Closing and Asks,"Do You Still
Have Chicken?"
The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 lbs.
The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"
The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale,He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale And The Scale Now Showed 2
Lbs.
"That's Wonderful" Said The Woman.
"I'll Take both Chickens Please”.

 

[MRockwell]

A lady goes in a super market and asked the clerk where are the onions?
The clerk tells her that we have no onions and if she would like to come back later and
check, the truck should have some and there will be onions.
She leaves and comes right back and asked the same question. Where are the onions?
At this the clerk says to her, you look like a smart lady what do you get when you take the straw out of strawberry?
Berry she says.
Right. Now what do you get when you take the water out of watermelon?
Melon she said.
Right again so what do you get when you take the f*** out of onions?
Well there's no f*** in onions she said.

That's what I’ve been trying to tell you!

 

[actaeon277]

Her: Who is your favorite literary vampire?

Me: The one in Sesame Street.

Her: He doesn't count.

Me: Oh, I assure you, he does.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

I ran for the first time with my Fitbit on.
It detected me running, and asked if my life was in danger,
or if tacos were on sale for $1 again.

 

[actaeon277]

Every once in a while
Someone AMAZING comes into your life.


And HERE I AM.
You're welcome.

 

[actaeon277]

Two women in a bus fighting over the last available seat.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene, when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat".

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

 

[Chewie]

Every once in a while
Someone AMAZING comes into your life.


And HERE I AM.
You're welcome.

Not even close! My wife is the most amazing person I know, talented, intelligent, beautiful, caring, thoughtful, .........


Ok she's not looking over my shoulder now, whew! That was close!
Now back to my original thought, amazing at what?

 

[Lpherr]

Not even close! My wife is the most amazing person I know, talented, intelligent, beautiful, caring, thoughtful, .........

She's standing right behind you, isn't she.

 

[Lpherr]

Not even close! My wife is the most amazing person I know, talented, intelligent, beautiful, caring, thoughtful, .........


Ok she's not looking over my shoulder now, whew! That was close!
Now back to my original thought, amazing at what?

I see you edited. I knew it.

 

[hooky]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

 

[Magyars]

3 stages of sex during a marriage.....
When you first get married you have whole house sex. Do it all over the house, in the kitchen,the hall, on the couch, etc.
After a few years you have bedroom sex. You do it on the bed in the bedroom.
After a few more years, you have hallway setx. That's when you pass each other in the hallway and say f*** you!

 

[daddyusmaximus]

I once dated a twin.

People used to ask me how I could tell them apart.

Easy. Lisa always painted her nails purple, and Bob had a penis.

 

[spencer rifle]

I once dated a twin.

People used to ask me how I could tell them apart.

Easy. Lisa always painted her nails purple, and Bob had a penis.

DENNY ALERT:
I married a twin. Identical, not fraternal. As time has gone by it is easier to tell them apart. I frequently wish the SIL health and long life, since she is SWMBO's walking rejection-proof organ bank.

 

[nonobaddog]

You know how some people will start to waffle when you want one of their organs - identical twins don't do that very often.

 

[Hoosierdood]

DENNY ALERT:
I married a twin. Identical, not fraternal. As time has gone by it is easier to tell them apart. I frequently wish the SIL health and long life, since she is SWMBO's walking rejection-proof organ bank.

I also married a twin. We had a double wedding with over 400 people. My wife and her sister looked more alike back then but I could still generally tell them apart. That is until one day after we had been married for about a year. We were all together and decided to go shopping at the mall. I was walking with BIL and wife was walking with her sister. At one point I went up and grabbed my wife from behind only to discover it wasn’t my wife. They looked very similar from behind.

 

[actaeon277]

They looked very similar from behind.

uh huh
sure

good excuse

 

[Creedmoor]

uh huh
sure

good excuse

Woop, woop, smack that a$$...

 

[daddyusmaximus]

DENNY ALERT:
I married a twin. Identical, not fraternal. As time has gone by it is easier to tell them apart. I frequently wish the SIL health and long life, since she is SWMBO's walking rejection-proof organ bank.

Jokes aside... I actually did date a twin back in college. Like you, she was an Identical. Only slight differences in the face, but her sister was a bit heavier, and that made it easier. Not much though, still a babeus-maximus. Cool part was her boyfriend was a dweeb, never wanted to do anything. I often went out with both. Sounds great at first... but then, we didn't get a lot of alone time.

Worked out for the best. been married to my wife going on 30 years now.

 

[actaeon277]

Jokes aside... I actually did date a twin back in college. Like you, she was an Identical. Only slight differences in the face, but her sister was a bit heavier, and that made it easier. Not much though, still a babeus-maximus. Cool part was her boyfriend was a dweeb, never wanted to do anything. I often went out with both. Sounds great at first... but then, we didn't get a lot of alone time.

Worked out for the best. been married to my wife going on 30 years now.

If you tell the twin you're gonna 'get busy', you'll get that 'alone time'...


Or
A great story no one will believe