INGO: Joke of the day page

[actaeon277]

Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage

As part of his weekly monologue on his TV show, Red once shared*Red Skelton‘s recipe for the perfect marriage – enjoy!

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. * Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
I take my wife everywhere….. but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. *Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. *So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. * If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” *So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. * I asked where the car was; she told me, “In the lake.”
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. * Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” …. The driver said, “No, jump in!”
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t*spoken to my wife in 18 months. * I don’t like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” *I said “Dust!”

 

[Ballstater98]

 

[JettaKnight]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

• DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

• WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
• CHOP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
• PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
• BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
• HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
• OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
• TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
• HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
• BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
• TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
• PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
• STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
• PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
• HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
• HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
• UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
• ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

 

[Airtevron1]

Joke 'o the day

[FONT=&quot]A capitalist walked into a bar and sat down between Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders. Just then, the 10PM news came on and the lead story was of a man on a ledge of a skyscraper preparing to commit suicide.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bernie looked at the capitalist and asked, "Do you think he'll jump?"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The capitalist replied, "I bet he will."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Alexandria and Bernie both shot back, "Well, we bet he won't."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The capitalist placed $10 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Just as AOC and Bernie placed their money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building. AOC and Bernie were very upset and bitterly tried handing their money to the capitalist.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]With a slight smile, the capitalist said, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he’d jumped."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Alexandria replied, "Well, we did too; but we didn't think he'd do it again."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This is the reasoning of socialists: they’ve seen societies that adopt socialism die repeatedly throughout history, yet somehow cling to the idea that it won’t happen again.
[/FONT]

 

[HoosierNation33]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need regularly changed and for the same reason.

 

[JCSR]

Funeral for a Homeless Man


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no familyor friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

 

[yote hunter]

Woman goes to buy a Christmas tree.
The salesman ask , "Are you putting that up yourself ?"

She says NO my husband is putting it in the living room !

 

[JCSR]

 

[jamil]

View attachment 94643

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Dentoro]

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?




Because they are good at it!

 

[Bigtanker]

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?




Because they are good at it!

I love that joke. It took my daughter quite a while to "get" it. She was only 10 btw.

 

[Dentoro]

I’m sorry, I have to lower the bar in here!

Friend says to me, What rhymes with orange? And I told him, No it doesn't.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that blew up in France? Da Brie was everywhere!
I like to tell dad jokes.......sometimes he laughs!

 

[JCSR]

A deer a skunk and a giraffe walk into a bar. After a couple of rounds the bartender gives them the bill. The deer says "I can't pay I don't even have a buck." The skunk says "All I have is a scent." Giraffe says "I guess the highballs are on me!"

 

[patience0830]

A deer a skunk and a giraffe walk into a bar. After a couple of rounds the bartender gives them the bill. The deer says "I can't pay I don't even have a buck." The skunk says "All I have is a scent." Giraffe says "I guess the highballs are on me!"

I made that joke up 30 yrs ago. Does my heart good to hear it repeated.

 

[d.kaufman]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Ronald Reagan said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.

 

[Thor]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Ronald Reagan said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.

Where the heck is my .45 and 9mm?!?!?

 

[Nazgul]

Where the heck is my .45 and 9mm?!?!?

Where is my wallet??

 

[Thor]

Where is my wallet??

I'd take a dozen rounds before a dozen doughnuts.

 

[Ballstater98]