Do you hold grudges, or are you a forgive-and-forget person?

[breakingcontact]

Have to forgive, may be a lifelong process, but have to forgive.

When you are fighting against being forgiving, remember just how much forgiveness you need too.

 

[Hookeye]

The struggle is easier if you can forgive.
Not the same as forgetting.
And distance from an event does allow for some healing.

But one has to learn to forgive.
Aint easy.
May not be accomplished.
Have to try.

There is help with that, if one asks for it.

 

[Alpo]

Resentments take up too much space in one's head. They get in the way of seeing the great things about being alive. They raise blood pressure.

As CM said, I've outlived most of my resentments. There are a couple that are buried far away. If I'm ever out there again, I'm gonna buy a 6-pack and empty a bladder on their spot.

 

[MCgrease08]

^^^ THIS. Every time forgiveness is spoken of in Scripture, there is always the condition that the offender must repent (ask for forgiveness).

While there are quite a few passages that reference asking for forgiveness, (mainly in the Old Testament) it's hardly found in every one, nor is it a condition to receive forgiveness or to forgive others. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Jesus said that we can't be forgiven unless we forgive others. The New Testament is very clear on this.

“14 If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6:14-15

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26 As they were eating, Jesus took some bread and blessed it. Then he broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples, saying, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body.” 27 And he took a cup of wine and gave thanks to God for it. He gave it to them and said, “Each of you drink from it, 28 for this is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and his people. It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many. - Matthew 26:26-28

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37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. - Luke 6:37-38

We are already forgiven for our sins because of the blood of Christ. We do not have to ask Him for forgiveness, it's already done. All we have to do is accept it.

11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, 12 always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. 13 For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, 14 who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins. - Col 1:11-14

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13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed[a] the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.- Col 2:13-14

There are even Old Testament passages that show one doesn't need to ask God for forgiveness to receive it.

32 But in spite of this, the people kept sinning. Despite his wonders, they refused to trust him.
33 So he ended their lives in failure,
their years in terror.
34 When God began killing them,
they finally sought him.
They repented and took God seriously.
35 Then they remembered that God was their rock,
that God Most High was their redeemer.
36 But all they gave him was lip service;
they lied to him with their tongues.
37 Their hearts were not loyal to him.
They did not keep his covenant.
38 Yet he was merciful and forgave their sins
and did not destroy them all.
Many times he held back his anger
and did not unleash his fury!
39 For he remembered that they were merely mortal,
gone like a breath of wind that never returns.

- Psalm 78:32-39

*All passages from New Living Translation Bible (NLT)

 

[Route 45]

I'm Scots Irish hillbilly out of Kentucky...I carry grudges and sleights to my grave....

It may wind up being the other way around. Be careful that your grudges and sleights don't carry YOU to your grave.

It's in my DNA......

No. It's not.

 

[Sigblaster]

It was supposed to be funny Church mouse.

It IS funny. I was as soon as I read it. My sense of humor runs that way, though.

 

[rkwhyte2]

Can't say that I hold a grudge. I will forgive but I'll never forget.

 

[Sigblaster]

Have to forgive, may be a lifelong process, but have to forgive.

When you are fighting against being forgiving, remember just how much forgiveness you need too.

I try to forgive, but when the disrespect and digs are ongoing, it makes it very hard to forgive earlier insults.

My wife's sisters... well, they did some messed up stuff. What the 1st younger one did was messed up, but the 2nd younger one did the same thing, even knowing what the 1st one did, and it hurt my wife. I'm not going to go further than that right now. Just know that when you hurt my wife or my kids, I take it 10 times harder than they do. And I remember that.

So, several years later, we are going to have a family trip with the grandparents and the kids, -1 kid, but that's another story. Anyways, we show up to the accommodations they have booked for the grandparents, all of us, and our kids. They booked this on their fathers dime, and in the interest of saving money, it was a motel off the highway. This is not the typical lodging I arrange for my wife and kids when we're travelling. But, we we were all staying in the same place, and the point of the trip was to be together.

The motel was clean, and the AC worked, so I didn't have anything to really complain about. I mean, I could, but I'm used to better accommodations. Within the first hour, there was someone trying to sell me a sob story and get me to drive him to the local Walmart. Later, we all gathered in one room, and my brother in law mentioned how one sister and the other sister had a bet going as to whether we would stay in the motel, or ditch it and move to the Hilton up the street.

Yeah, while I was close to forgive and forget at that point, that mention of a bet, and I don't care who was on either side of the bet, exposed a back channel that cemented a long-held grudge.

 

[churchmouse]

I try to forgive, but when the disrespect and digs are ongoing, it makes it very hard to forgive earlier insults.

My wife's sisters... well, they did some messed up stuff. What the 1st younger one did was messed up, but the 2nd younger one did the same thing, even knowing what the 1st one did, and it hurt my wife. I'm not going to go further than that right now. Just know that when you hurt my wife or my kids, I take it 10 times harder than they do. And I remember that.

So, several years later, we are going to have a family trip with the grandparents and the kids, -1 kid, but that's another story. Anyways, we show up to the accommodations they have booked for the grandparents, all of us, and our kids. They booked this on their fathers dime, and in the interest of saving money, it was a motel off the highway. This is not the typical lodging I arrange for my wife and kids when we're travelling. But, we we were all staying in the same place, and the point of the trip was to be together.

The motel was clean, and the AC worked, so I didn't have anything to really complain about. I mean, I could, but I'm used to better accommodations. Within the first hour, there was someone trying to sell me a sob story and get me to drive him to the local Walmart. Later, we all gathered in one room, and my brother in law mentioned how one sister and the other sister had a bet going as to whether we would stay in the motel, or ditch it and move to the Hilton up the street.

Yeah, while I was close to forgive and forget at that point, that mention of a bet, and I don't care who was on either side of the bet, exposed a back channel that cemented a long-held grudge.

CKW's older sister caused everyone issues due to her poor life choices. This was pretty much non-stop as her family are wonderful caring/giving people. The best. She used that as a tool and tried it with us many many times. There was a lot I do not care to share as some folks got hurt, badly. All due to her

She left the state under threat of serious harm after some crap unfolded around CKW. I told her and swore I would never forgive her for any of this.

That was 1998 or so. Time and age/wisdom has cleared the fog of anger and she is back in our lives. There are some bits and pieces missing upstairs due to the life she led but she is repentant and shares this honestly. I am good with her now. And I am glad the family is whole again.

 

[Sigblaster]

she is repentant and shares this honestly. I am good with her now. And I am glad the family is whole again.

I respect that, and I agree with that, but there are lines that are crossed, that you can never cross back over, and some people need to realize that BEFORE they step over those lines.

 

[Expat]

I'm Scots Irish hillbilly out of Kentucky...I carry grudges and sleights to my grave....

It's in my DNA......

And real family will feel the same way along with you.

 

[churchmouse]

I respect that, and I agree with that, but there are lines that are crossed, that you can never cross back over, and some people need to realize that BEFORE they step over those lines.

Truth. But in the fog of drug abuse those lines do not exist. Nothing that is done to advance that life style is verboten. We have seen it 1st hand to many times. To anyone that says those are victimless crimes and situation I say you are full of human excrement. Those people leave a long trail of victims in their wake.

The SIL knows I still remember everything clearly.

 

[Ruger_Ronin]

Forgive: yes. Forget: no. I excommunicated my own brother because I was not, I repeat ab-so-f*****g-lutely NOT going to let his garbage infect my daughters.
He is better now, but I don't want to see 6 weeks of it. It'll take a long time before I let him around again. We've spoke 2 times since QTR1 this year, and I wish him the best. But proof is in the pudding.

This is clear: I don't care who you are. Stranger, blood, the president, the pope, or the virgin mother. If it involves my turkeys, you have to go through me first. And trust me, they are priority 1.

 

[Sigblaster]

Truth. But in the fog of drug abuse those lines do not exist. Nothing that is done to advance that life style is verboten. We have seen it 1st hand to many times. To anyone that says those are victimless crimes and situation I say you are full of human excrement. Those people leave a long trail of victims in their wake.

The SIL knows I still remember everything clearly.

Thankfully, I've never had to deal with anyone afflicted with addiction, and I hope I never do. I'm a big fan of the show Intervention, and I'm always rooting for the people to get clean and clear, and reconstruct their lives and relationships.

The biggest offender on my list is my brother-in-law (wife's brother). This is a permanent, never forgive, never forget entry on my list. There is no reconciliation possible for this. I'll leave out the backstory, but he threatened my wife in a most heinous way, not just out of anger, but out of the evil that inhabits him. Foolishly, he communicated this threat in writing, and I used it to get a restraining order against him, got his guns taken away, and he ended up abandoning his house and losing any equity he may have had in it and moved out of state. This restraining order was in effect when his grandfather passed away. He is a consummate con man and an expert at playing the victim. His ex-wife told us he used to read books about how to manipulate people. He must have used these techniques to influence his other sisters, who pleaded with us to let him attend the funeral. I told them that if I saw him, I would have him arrested. I got wind that the sisters had paid for a plane ticket to get him back home for the funeral, and he was hiding up in the balcony of the church while I had the honor of being a pallbearer. Petty? Maybe, but I'll gladly smoke a turd in hell for that.

There's a lot of after story too, but it's best told over a few beers, and there's a lot of WTFs and laughs along the way.

 

[Hoosierdood]

My wife's parents have a long history of burning bridges and hurting the people who love them. I truly believe that they are certifiable sociopaths. For the last 20 years, they will hurt their family (my wife, her sister, and their brother) to the point that the whole family will have nothing to do with them. Then over the next 6 months or so, the family will "forgive" them, although I have never once heard them ask for forgiveness. I have lots of stories, at least one story per year for the last 20 years. They are toxic. They will hurt you with no remorse. For years, I had wanted to eliminate them from our lives, but never did anything about it because they were my wife's parents. She is used to their shenanigans, and never realized for years that people who love you, don't treat you like that. The final straw came about 5 years ago, when out of the blue, my father in law called her and said they wanted our dining room table. This is the same table that they had given us shortly after we were married, and had eaten our family meals at for 15 years. Even though it was given to us as a gift, her dad now says that it was just loaned to us... for 15 years. Of course, I gave a resounding "hell no" to that. My wife says to me that she is finally fed up with them and ready to cut them out of our lives. So I called the father in law and said that he could come get the table from the front yard, but if this was what they wanted, it meant that they were cutting all ties with their daughter and grandkids. He came to get it the next day and - get this - put it in a storage unit, where it sits to this day. They didn't even want the table, they just didn't want US to have the table. We ate on the floor for 3 months while we looked for another dining room table. I havent spoken to them since that day, but through other family members, have made it crystal clear that they are not welcome and if they were to show up at our house, they would be escorted away by the police.

Thats just one example out of dozens. They have tried several times to break up our marriage, they have hurt my kids, and I have seen my wife shed more tears because of them than anything else. Still, if they were to come to us and ask for forgiveness, acknowledge the hurt they had caused, and be willing to make it right, I would forgive them. Until that day comes (guarantee it never will), I will not allow these people into my life. I will keep them from my children, if for no other reason than to protect my kids from the pain that comes from knowing them.

 

[1DOWN4UP]

This subject hits home.I have done well keeping my distance from the conscienceless crowd for a long time. Family has been the ones who have penetrated my defense. A brother who is a narcissist without a conscience has left wounds throughout the family that I can not forget.His disrespectful treatment of our mother is why I can't forgive. At mom's funeral service, he said " we need to put the past behind us." My younger sister and I nearly broke out laughing.

 

[churchmouse]

Thankfully, I've never had to deal with anyone afflicted with addiction, and I hope I never do. I'm a big fan of the show Intervention, and I'm always rooting for the people to get clean and clear, and reconstruct their lives and relationships.

The biggest offender on my list is my brother-in-law (wife's brother). This is a permanent, never forgive, never forget entry on my list. There is no reconciliation possible for this. I'll leave out the backstory, but he threatened my wife in a most heinous way, not just out of anger, but out of the evil that inhabits him. Foolishly, he communicated this threat in writing, and I used it to get a restraining order against him, got his guns taken away, and he ended up abandoning his house and losing any equity he may have had in it and moved out of state. This restraining order was in effect when his grandfather passed away. He is a consummate con man and an expert at playing the victim. His ex-wife told us he used to read books about how to manipulate people. He must have used these techniques to influence his other sisters, who pleaded with us to let him attend the funeral. I told them that if I saw him, I would have him arrested. I got wind that the sisters had paid for a plane ticket to get him back home for the funeral, and he was hiding up in the balcony of the church while I had the honor of being a pallbearer. Petty? Maybe, but I'll gladly smoke a turd in hell for that.

There's a lot of after story too, but it's best told over a few beers, and there's a lot of WTFs and laughs along the way.

I will buy the burgers and the 1st round my friend. I have a few I can share as well. Seems the addiction gene runs on both sides of our (spouse and I) family's. I have so much 1st hand experience bailing idiots out of jambs and jail. Finally stopped fighting their battles and bailing them out. They turn on you like snakes. Again, victimless crimes my butt.

 

[Libertarian01]

I generally don't have the energy to hold a grudge. Staying angry or hateful takes emotional energy, and I just don't have that much.

However, I will take action. Just tonight when I left my mothers hospital room I asked at registration if we could ban someone from visiting. My mother does NOT get along with another family member and while there is no reason for them to try to visit, I could see this person coming down to cause problems or just gloat. So I banned this person from visiting.

That said, I wasn't too emotionally engaged in this, ti was just a protection of my mothers last time on this earth. She doesn't need to have someone try to antagonize her so I made certain that wouldn't happen.

Thinking about it maybe I do hold a grudge after all but it is without emotional energy. So is that a grudge or not?

Regards,

Doug

 

[1DOWN4UP]

To me,not forgiving is my safety valve.It means the needle went into the RED.It can be reset,but it is very hard and time consuming.I percolate for awhile,and then move on.

 

[flightsimmer]

I was told this last summer that I had Non-hodkins lymphoma, the fast growing kind and that there was nothing the doctors could do for me and that I might only live a few weeks, so I turned to God and asked him to heal me but I was reminded that if wouldn't forgive others, God couldn't forgive and heal me. So I thought for a while and couldn't think of anyone that I needed to forgive, then, I remembered an old business partner that had taken me for many thousands of dollars, so I told God and forgave her. Then, I was anointed and prayed for and praise God I am now completely healed of my cancer. Forgiveness does matter.