BehindBlueI's
Grandmaster
- Oct 3, 2012
- 25,916
- 113
I try to go to Kroger during peak times because it gives me lots of people to talk to, and I love interacting with strangers. Anyway, today I was making banana bread and I realized I was half a banana short for the recipe. I headed on over to Kroger to get one. Did you know they don't sell bananas by the half? I know my rights, they can't force me to buy a whole banana if I only want half a banana. So I took a banana to the register and tried to explain to the clerk that I'd like her to cut it in half and charge me for the half without the stem. The stem is where they get you, you see, it adds significantly to the weight but it's inedible. I know a scam when I see one, and banana stems are one of the biggest scams going.
Anyway, the guy behind me seemed real impatient and said I was holding up the line. I told him that buying a banana, in whole or by halves, was perfectly legal. He agreed and calmed right down. Anyway, the clerk said she wasn't allowed to cut fruit and sell it by halves. I patiently explained that in 1827, all bananas were sold by halves, which is why the famous song goes "one banana, two banana, that sure is a bunch! Three banana, four banana, buy half a one for lunch!" The guy behind be said that wasn't how the song went, and the four other people who'd backed up in line agreed with him. I showed them my tax returns, explained I paid more in taxes than they did, so I was probably right and they could just wait while I googled the song. The clerk said she thought the song went like that, no need to look it up, but she still couldn't sell me half a banana. I explained that they sold cut up melon, probably a half a melon or less, and demanded to speak to the manager.
The manager knows me, we have a great relationship, he has this fun nickname for me. "dammit thatguyagin" I think it's Farsi. Anyway, he said they couldn't cut the banana, but he'd sell it to me for 1/2 price, which was the same as me paying for a half a banana and getting another half for free. I broke out my pocket calculator, the guy behind me said he'd pay for the effing banana if I'd just get the eff out of line, but I told him to just hold on while I worked the math because I thought they were still getting me on the stem somehow. Plus, as my tax returns plainly show, I may be moved into a higher tax bracket if I accepted such a gift. The manager said I could pay for half a banana, donate the other half to charity, and that would make it work. I said I'd wait while he got the tax donation paperwork ready. The people behind me, maybe 7 or 8 by then, were so touched by this generosity they began to cry and express disbelief I would be so considerate of others. C'mon man, wtf are you doing? I know, I know, but somebody has to give the poors their half bananas. You know what the old song says. One banana two banana, cup of fruit punch, three banana four banana homeless dude's brunch.
The manager said for effs sake just give him 20 cents and I could have the half a banana. I couldn't believe the price, so I told him to hold my place in line and I'd be right back. Five minutes later I came back with 14 bananas and some fruit punch, because thinking of the song made me thirsty. The line was about 14 people behind me then, and man were they entitled whiners about having to wait for me. I reminded them how legal this all was and they promptly agreed and quieted down.
I got my change purse out and started to pay for my bananas in pennies. I've been saving up and it's legal tender so they legally have to take it, you know. I know my rights. I pay my taxes to be able to use legal tender in anyway I see fit. Unfortunately, I was 3 pennies short. The clerk, the manager, and 12 of the 23 people behind me said they'd chip in the 3 cents, just take my stuff and go but, again, I'm not a bum and I'm not taking their charity. So I got my checkbook out, asked if anyone had a pen (black ink only, blue ink is so gauche), and that's the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the ER a little bit ago. The doc says it looks like I was beaten with a shopping cart, ran over by three mobility scooters, and he's never seen a banana peel quite so far up so one's...orifice. Which brings me to my question. I'm probably going to miss my HOA meeting tonight and it's an important topic, should we allow adobe or clay colored window treatments. I have strong feelings on the topic and was wondering if anyone could attend in my place and cast a proxy vote for me? Also, I still need half a banana and I'm not allowed within 50 yards of a Kroger according to this note pinned to my shirt.
Anyway, the guy behind me seemed real impatient and said I was holding up the line. I told him that buying a banana, in whole or by halves, was perfectly legal. He agreed and calmed right down. Anyway, the clerk said she wasn't allowed to cut fruit and sell it by halves. I patiently explained that in 1827, all bananas were sold by halves, which is why the famous song goes "one banana, two banana, that sure is a bunch! Three banana, four banana, buy half a one for lunch!" The guy behind be said that wasn't how the song went, and the four other people who'd backed up in line agreed with him. I showed them my tax returns, explained I paid more in taxes than they did, so I was probably right and they could just wait while I googled the song. The clerk said she thought the song went like that, no need to look it up, but she still couldn't sell me half a banana. I explained that they sold cut up melon, probably a half a melon or less, and demanded to speak to the manager.
The manager knows me, we have a great relationship, he has this fun nickname for me. "dammit thatguyagin" I think it's Farsi. Anyway, he said they couldn't cut the banana, but he'd sell it to me for 1/2 price, which was the same as me paying for a half a banana and getting another half for free. I broke out my pocket calculator, the guy behind me said he'd pay for the effing banana if I'd just get the eff out of line, but I told him to just hold on while I worked the math because I thought they were still getting me on the stem somehow. Plus, as my tax returns plainly show, I may be moved into a higher tax bracket if I accepted such a gift. The manager said I could pay for half a banana, donate the other half to charity, and that would make it work. I said I'd wait while he got the tax donation paperwork ready. The people behind me, maybe 7 or 8 by then, were so touched by this generosity they began to cry and express disbelief I would be so considerate of others. C'mon man, wtf are you doing? I know, I know, but somebody has to give the poors their half bananas. You know what the old song says. One banana two banana, cup of fruit punch, three banana four banana homeless dude's brunch.
The manager said for effs sake just give him 20 cents and I could have the half a banana. I couldn't believe the price, so I told him to hold my place in line and I'd be right back. Five minutes later I came back with 14 bananas and some fruit punch, because thinking of the song made me thirsty. The line was about 14 people behind me then, and man were they entitled whiners about having to wait for me. I reminded them how legal this all was and they promptly agreed and quieted down.
I got my change purse out and started to pay for my bananas in pennies. I've been saving up and it's legal tender so they legally have to take it, you know. I know my rights. I pay my taxes to be able to use legal tender in anyway I see fit. Unfortunately, I was 3 pennies short. The clerk, the manager, and 12 of the 23 people behind me said they'd chip in the 3 cents, just take my stuff and go but, again, I'm not a bum and I'm not taking their charity. So I got my checkbook out, asked if anyone had a pen (black ink only, blue ink is so gauche), and that's the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the ER a little bit ago. The doc says it looks like I was beaten with a shopping cart, ran over by three mobility scooters, and he's never seen a banana peel quite so far up so one's...orifice. Which brings me to my question. I'm probably going to miss my HOA meeting tonight and it's an important topic, should we allow adobe or clay colored window treatments. I have strong feelings on the topic and was wondering if anyone could attend in my place and cast a proxy vote for me? Also, I still need half a banana and I'm not allowed within 50 yards of a Kroger according to this note pinned to my shirt.
