Having "The Talk" - Family vs. Curious Stranger

[indytechnerd]

The subject has been broached at the TechNerd household. Suffice to say, my wife is less than enthusiastic about me carrying when we're out and about. Now, I've read enough articles, forum posts, and blog entries that I could defend my rights against John Q with relative ease. That conversation has been infinitely more difficult with my wife.

To preface, I haven't carried for several years. I've owned a pistol the whole time I've been around her, and she has, in fact, bought me a long gun as a gift. But, to her, locked in a firebox in the closet and snapped into a holster on my hip are two WAY different ballparks.

I'm asking, then, fellow gun owners (and maybe a few spouses). How did you work around the issue in your household?

 

[ATM]

But, to her, locked in a firebox in the closet and snapped into a holster on my hip are two WAY different ballparks.

Make sure that she understands that one of those two places is where you will absolutely never ever need it. The other place is where she would wish it had been after the need for defense. Have her consider that not every victim gets a chance to come to this realization and change their mind in hindsight.

Then, of course, do it anyway.

 

[Rookie]

My situation is different since my wife also carries, but, when I decided to carry again, it was four days before my wife realized that I was carrying (good practice for concealed carry). Depending on how your relationship is, I would tell her that it's your responsibility to protect your family, and it's her responsibility to support your decisions...

 

[possum_128]

I feel for you. However I'm lucky. My wife could care less and in fact, has her own guns and her life time LTCH. In fact she insisted that I train my childern at a young age how to handle firearms. Both of my childern carry as well. I have a great wife for going on 35 years now. Sorry I know this does not help your situation.

 

[Chefcook]

Carrying your pistol is like keeping a condom in your wallet. Its better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. However I don't think I would recommend using that analogy with your wife. Especially if you happen to have a condom in your wallet.....JC

 

[jennybird]

Have you tought her how to shoot it? Maybe if she were more comfortable with the weapon it wouldn't bother her so much. It would be a good idea for her to learn regardless. You never know when a bunch of terrorists might land right in your front yard.

 

[MACHINEGUN]

I'm glad my woman is all for owning and carrying firearms.. thank God.

I hate this analogy because we all know who uses it to make a profit, but it's true.

Its better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

 

[indytechnerd]

ATM - way to shoot straight, +1 to you.

When we first started dating, I took her to shoot trap once. She enjoyed it, but it wasn't her thing. I don't remember if I took her to shoot a pistol. Either way, she's about as comfortable as she would be in the cockpit of a 747. Getting her involved wouldn't be worth my efforts.

 

[seenitall]

Perhaps she has little experience with firearms? Have you ever taught her? How did you present the idea to her? As a woman myself, I would be really offended if you just "did it anyway". Without having included her in this decision. If you just carry it anyway without considering her feelings or concerns, perhaps she may feel you are ignoring or dismissing her concerns. This is not something most wives respond well to. Obviously she's ok with having guns in the house (she bought you one). So an honest and non-threatening conversation may help. Remember, she has a reason for feeling the way she does. Have you ever asked her?

 

[MACHINEGUN]

Then, of course, do it anyway.

Mr. ATM I give you +1,000,000 to add to your man card and any other man out there that does the same exact thing to protect his family.

I'd rather be safer than sorry.

 

[indytechnerd]

Perhaps she has little experience with firearms? Have you ever taught her? How did you present the idea to her? As a woman myself, I would be really offended if you just "did it anyway". Without having included her in this decision. If you just carry it anyway without considering her feelings or concerns, perhaps she may feel you are ignoring or dismissing her concerns. This is not something most wives respond well to. Obviously she's ok with having guns in the house (she bought you one). So an honest and non-threatening conversation may help. Remember, she has a reason for feeling the way she does. Have you ever asked her?

Yeah, the only firearm experience she has is what I've given her. She has 0 interest. I'm fine with that, but if she's worried about it being more accessible than the shotgun in the locked case in the closet, I need to figure out how to reassure her.

 

[MACHINEGUN]

Seems to me she might be leery of him packing around the children.. and also not wanting them to see he carries a firearm.

Both of these are understandable and valid worries, but if he is responsible and proficient with his firearms.. he needs to make her aware of this.

Personally.. I couldn't ever be with a woman who wouldn't afford me all my rights to keep and bear arms.

My ex was that way.. and that is why she is my ex.. and I upgraded to one who is pro-gun all the way.

 

[88E30M50]

ATM - way to shoot straight, +1 to you.

When we first started dating, I took her to shoot trap once. She enjoyed it, but it wasn't her thing. I don't remember if I took her to shoot a pistol. Either way, she's about as comfortable as she would be in the cockpit of a 747. Getting her involved wouldn't be worth my efforts.

I'm in a similar situation with my wife. Maybe taking her to the pistol range with something that is not too intimidating could get her interested. There are some decent 22 revolvers that are fun to shoot, as well as being very cheap. I just picked up a 22 revolver for that exact reason. It cost less than $180 new and I can take her out shooting with something she that will not scare the heck out of her. Eventually, she will work up to my 1911, but she needs to get comfortable with the idea that shooting is simply a heck of a lot of fun.

Tim

 

[HICKMAN]

Honestly, be reasonable with her. Some are a little timid around firearms.

Tell her the story of the Luby's Massacre, have her watch Suzanna Hupp testify to watching her own parents murder: YouTube - Suzanna Gratia Hupp explains meaning of 2nd Amendment!

Explain to her that just ONE person with a gun could have saved countless lives at Virginia Tech.

 

[ATM]

...As a woman myself, I would be really offended if you just "did it anyway". Without having included her in this decision...

I am all for including one's mate in the ongoing discussion, just not the personal decision to carry. I would present the harsh facts gently but consider the duty to defend and survive higher than most any other concern.

 

[techres]

I'm asking, then, fellow gun owners (and maybe a few spouses). How did you work around the issue in your household?

My wife did not like it at first either. So I started small with a P32, then a P3At, and upwards over time. She got more comfortable over 6 months or so. One night she asked if I was "packing" as we were going to a late night movie and I told her I was and that was the last time the issue came up.

Be patient and be discreet. Don't go head to head, just be firm yet understanding in what you need to do.

And remember, at least the only thing you are bringing out of the closet to her is a carry pistol. Some wives go through far worse in a marriage. BUT DON'T QUOTE THAT TO HER!

 

[esrice]

I know my first thought when reading this was "how does she not trust YOU, her husband, to know what he's doing with a pistol strapped to his side?" But, keep in mind that she may be "projecting" her own fear of carrying a firearm onto you. Its not that she doesn't trust you-- she doesn't trust HERSELF. And that is OK (for now).

Careful reminders that you are carrying it for HER safety, and not just yours, might be helpful when you do discuss the matter. If there are children involved, remind her that you are still the same father that wouldn't do ANYTHING to hurt your children, including being irresponsible with a firearm.

And, as much as it sucks, having a "bad experience" might just be what finally makes her change her mind. I hope she can reason logically, but women tend to be emotionally based, and it might take a long walk down a dark, scary, alley to realize that she'd "feel" much safer if you were there with your gun.

Good luck!

 

[seenitall]

I am all for including one's mate in the ongoing discussion, just not the personal decision to carry. I would present the harsh facts gently but consider the duty to defend and survive higher than most any other concern.

I understand what you are saying ATM, and I completely support the individual's right to bear arms. However, we are talking about a marriage here. Many women will feel intimidated when a gun is brought into the home. Indytechnerd, tread carefully here. You must weigh your desire to be the "protector" with her fear of you being the "intimidator". I'm not suggesting that you would use a gun to intimidate your wife. I'm just trying to give you some insight into the mind of a woman who knows nothing about guns, and the men that insist on carrying them. She is frightened, and you must find out why so you can reassure her. If you choose to carry anyway, without helping her understand your thought process, then you are risking some trust in your marriage.

 

[indytechnerd]

Seen,

You're dead on with the intimidation thing. That's where I'm really having to tread lightly. I think that I'll win out eventually, like techres, but it's going to be slow going.

Evan,
We have a 7 and a 5 year old, and that's her big fear. You're probably right with the projecting thing.

It's tough right now, because I don't have the little pink paper yet. Hard for me to argue for carrying when recent history has seen my little pocket pistol locked up in the closet. Kinda falls into the "what's different now?" category. Of course, just my luck, the first stages of getting back into firearms and shooting goes not so well, then when I get to work, I see the thread about the family picnic. It would suck to be IndyTechNerd +0 for the 'family' picnic.

// keeping fingers crossed
// 8 weeks tomorrow since LTCH app filed.

 

[Jay]

This is long, but perhaps it may make an impression on her......

Why The Gun is Civilized

By Marko Kloos
Human beings only have two ways to deal with one another: reason and force. If you want me to do something for you, you have a choice of either convincing me via argument, or force me to do your bidding under threat of force. Every human interaction falls into one of those two categories, without exception. Reason or force, that’s it.
In a truly moral and civilized society, people exclusively interact through persuasion. Force has no place as a valid method of social interaction and the only thing that removes force from the menu is the personal firearm, as paradoxical as it may sound to some.
When I carry a gun, you cannot deal with me by force. You have to use reason and try to persuade me, because I have a way to negate your threat or employment of force. The gun is the only personal weapon that puts a 100 pound woman on equal footing with a 220 pound mugger, a 75 year old retiree on equal footing with a 19 year old gang banger, and a single gay guy on equal footing with a car load of drunken guys with baseball bats. The gun removes the disparity in physical strength, size, or numbers between a potential attacker and a defender.
There are plenty of people who consider the gun as the source of bad force equations. These are the people who think that we’d be more civilized if all guns were removed from society, because a firearm makes it easier for a (armed) mugger to do his job. That, of course, is only true if the mugger’s potential victims are mostly disarmed, either by choice or legislative fiat—it has no validity when most of a mugger’s potential marks are armed. People who argue for the banning of arms ask for automatic rule by the young, the strong, and the many, and that’s the exact opposite of a civilized society. A mugger, even an armed one, can only make a successful living in a society where the state has granted him a force monopoly.
Then there’s the argument that the gun makes confrontations lethal that otherwise would only result in injury. This argument is fallacious in several ways. Without guns involved, confrontations are won by the physically superior party inflicting overwhelming injury on the loser. People who think that fists, bats, sticks or stones don’t constitute lethal force watch too much TV. There people take beatings and come out of it with a bloody lip at worst. The fact that the gun makes lethal force easier works solely in favor of the weaker defender, not the stronger attacker. If both are armed, the field is level. The gun is the only weapon that’s as lethal in the hands of an octogenarian as it is in the hands of a weight lifter. It simply wouldn’t work as well as a force equalizer if it wasn’t both lethal and easily employable.
When I carry a gun, I don’t do so because I’m looking for a fight, but because I’m looking to be left alone. The gun at my side means that I cannot be forced, only persuaded. I don’t carry because I’m afraid, but because it enables me to be unafraid. It doesn’t limit the actions of those who would interact with me through reason, only the actions of those who would do so by force. It removes force from the equation….. And that’s why carrying a gun is a civilized act.
“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” Benjamin Franklin
“The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.” Thomas Jefferson