Did you ever just have that one person in your life...

[88GT]

thats like people who refuse to acknowledge where beef comes from, BUT LOVES THEM SOME STEAKS!

Nope. Not like that at all.

 

[wtfd661]

I am so sorry to read this, but Thank you for sharing it. You and your mom will be in my prayers. As far as for the husband I will have to refrain my feelings and thoughts about him but just know they would be very much in line with yours. I truly believe that in the end there will be everlasting peace and reward for you mom and the husband will have to answer for what he has done.

 

[Redhorse]

So here's what this was pretty much about (as short as I can be, which isn't going to be that short)...

In 2007, my mom sat down with a lawyer and drew up her Will, her Estate Plan, her living will, and everything necessary to give me power of attorney. The fact that her own mother passed away years ago having Alzheimer's made mom uneasy about not having what she wanted legally documented. She wanted to know her wishes would be known and carried out.

A few years after that, her older brother died ...he had Alzheimer's and dementia, too. My mom fretted and worried over this...just knowing that she couldn't dodge that genetic bullet.

Near the end of 2012, mom started "getting forgetful". In mid 2013, she was concerned enough to seek out different doctors. After a couple months of monitoring and tests, she was prescribed Namenda and Aricept... medications to slow the progression of Alzheimer's.

Her current husband and I never got along... He treated my mom like dog poo, and I despised him for it. Yelling at her all the time, telling her she was worthless, calling her everything but human, and just basically being a rotten individual. Over the years, I'd often ask if he was hitting her or if she was in fear of her life, but she always downplayed it and said stuff like "Of course not...he's just like that". Mom would threaten to leave him when he got drunk...and several times she'd "run away from home" and come back to Indiana, but he'd call with a sob story and cry to her and she'd go back. Every time.

Well...when she started getting really forgetful, he drank even more and got even meaner. He berated her for every little forgotten thing, and stressed her out so bad, it made things worse for her. He often took away her medication and flushed it. Every time I called, he would answer the phone and she was either "sleeping", or "in the bathroom", or "outside", or "at the neighbor's"...and pretty soon they had no phone except the one cell he kept in his pocket. He never let me talk to her.

Fast forward to last April... My half brother (we share a common dad, but I'm my mom's only child) was in Florida and went to visit mom. When he showed up unannounced, he called me and said, "I don't think anybody lives here...the place is boarded up and doesn't look lived in." We found out that her husband stuck her in a nursing home without any word to any of us. When I called around to get some info, I found two arrest records with her husband's name on them. They had case numbers, so I called the sheriff's records office and obtained the police reports. Turns out that he beat my mom and pulled a gun on her...shot holes inside their house all over, and threatened another person that was there (that person called 911). Mom was taken away via EMTs to a hospital with two black eyes and various injuries...and the report said her husband had "cuts and swelling on the knuckles of his hands consistent with most domestic battery suspects". From the hospital, my mom was transferred to the nursing home after they evaluated her.

I called around places near me and started making plans to fly down and retrieve her and have her admitted less than a couple miles from me.
Everything was in motion to go get her and the last thing I needed to do was have the social worker at the nursing home here contact the assigned social worker at the nursing home there, and have the medical info (doctor's notes/med scripts/therapies/etc.) faxed here.

When they called down to FL for the fax, they were told I couldn't obtain that info. So I called the administrator myself and told them what I was doing and how it was going to transpire. They told me I couldn't do that. I informed them I was her Power of Attorney, so yes I could.
They said, "We have her power of attorney documentation and the name on it is not yours".

Turns out that AFTER she'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia, and AFTER she'd been on Namenda and Aricept for it, in September of 2013 her husband got her to give power of attorney to his daughter-in-law ...notarized. Now, I don't know if she was having a day when she was passing as "OK" or if the notary was a little shady, but apparently since these diseases progress at different rates in each individual, there is no way to prove that she may not have been of sound mind or that she was changing her documentation under duress.

I've been through eight lawyers (including four who deal specifically with elder law and these types of events), tons of hours of digging through documents and hanging on the phone, and a bunch of $$ savings. The bottom line is that I have no say.
About anything. At any time. I'm not even listed as someone who can be told information. Completely legal.
They say I can fight it in court, but even by some chance if I win a case...it will take nearly every cent I have left and my mom likely won't live to see the outcome.

Up to today;

Mom was since moved to a secure facility one month ago(for wanderers) and although I'm finally allowed to call and check on her... she doesn't know who I am anymore. I call every other day or so...just to hear her voice, even if she doesn't know me. At least I know she's safe, getting the care and meds she needs, and nobody is "using her as a punching bag" (her words in the last police report). Her mind has gone downhill fast, and it just kills me. Her husband's daughter-in-law (no relation to me and mom at all) is in the driver's seat for everything. Awhile back, I recorded a phone conversation with her (legally) and she just spewed lie after lie. It was gut-wrenching. I don't know what they think they are going to get out of all this, because mom doesn't have any assets or holdings, and if she did the state would take control due to medicaid use.

Bottom line... my mom's memory loss is a blessing to her because she doesn't have to remember how she was beaten. She doesn't have to remember any bad thing. Somewhere locked behind that Alzheimer's curtain, I know she loves me. I just really really miss her. I hate having to "get permission" from a stranger to send her pictures or things... I'm her only child.

This whole write up^ seems super long...but it's just a scant scratching of the surface with TONS of stuff left out. I have kept a journal of every phone call and every interaction...it's filled one and a half hard cover lined books so far. I don't even know why I did...I've never been the type to faithfully keep a diary. I started doing it just to retain phone numbers and names and it went from there.
Anyhow...

The last kicker is that even though the nursing home is aware of the police records and all the events...
he can still visit her and be alone with her. And he does.
And there's nothing I can do about it.

If you read this far... thanks.
If you gave up...I completely understand.

Wow, that's terrible, I'm really sorry to hear that Jetgirl. I wish I knew what to say

 

[MrSmitty]

That if you were riding a bus that hit them while they were walking across the street... when you disembarked the bus, you'd tip the driver GENEROUSLY and grab your lawn chair and a beer so you could just sit down and enjoy your beverage while watching them "bleed out" in the street?
Or is it just me?

Some people are alive simply because it is illegal to kill them.......

 

[sassy lassy]

You'll be in my prayers, JG. I have a couple that I'd love to watch bleed out and even one that hurt so many people before she died that I'd like to dig up just to throw her under a bus, but none that deserve it more than him. If the moment comes that you get the chance to watch karma do her thing, I'd be honored if I could furnish the lawn chair and the beer.

 

[dsol]

Damn JetGirl, that is some messed up situation. I feel for you. Wife and I have just sold our house to get a larger place so we can move my mom in, but she will still have her own area and independence. My dad died 11 years ago and I was getting to the point where I couldn't maintain two homes with two kids running us in ten different directions all the time.

 

[red46239]

I'm so sorry to read this JG. Prayers coming your way.

 

[irishhunter]

Second Step Dad would not Pi$$ on him if he was on fire, neither would my siblings. I hope he rots in Hell and don't feel bad in the least way saying it.

 

[GLOCKMAN23C]

JG, I don't have the words to express, all I can do is pray for you and your mom.

 

[JetGirl]

Thanks, people. Support in any form means a lot.

JG, I don't have the words to express, all I can do is pray for you and your mom.

I'll take it. Thanks.

 

[CLowe]

I had one INSANE lady
One day I will enjoy watching the Karma bus run her over , I will probably ask the driver to back up and repeat a few times .
One day she will pay for what she tried to do to my wife and I and for what she cost most every one around her .
When it happens I will sit in that chair with a beer and watch her bleed out .


I pray for you and your mother Jet girl
Only been a year since I lost mine .
Please cherish the good times you had with her .

 

[eric001]

I've got one or two that I wouldn't cross a sidewalk to **** on if they were burning to death...well, until AFTER they'd finished burning that is. They easily pass the 5 year rule, too.

So, miss JG, I can empathize with your feelings toward the husband. I can totally understand being impatient for him to kick the bucket so he can get his just "rewards"...

I am at a total loss of words trying to express what I feel for your mom's situation. Prayers for you and her, certainly. In the final accounting, I see you and her in a very happy place with no suffering whatsoever. {Notice I'm being all PC and such here!} It sounds like you've done all that you could, and more than most would try to do...and for that, I commend you. I sincerely wish it could be different, but for some odd reason my faerie godmother never listens to me anyway. For what it's worth, I offer yet more moral support.

 

[JetGirl]

In the final accounting, I see you and her in a very happy place with no suffering whatsoever. {Notice I'm being all PC and such here!}

Thank you. And PC or not, I'll say I know my mom has eternal salvation (and so do I)...so I do take comfort in that. Some days in the middle of this endless sea, that's the only life raft handle I'm grasping for dear life...even though sometimes it feels like I'm not on the inside of the boat.

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

Thank you. And PC or not, I'll say I know my mom has eternal salvation (and so do I)...so I do take comfort in that. Some days in the middle of this endless sea, that's the only life raft handle I'm grasping for dear life...even though sometimes it feels like I'm not on the inside of the boat.

You may like this line I heard the other day; I found it comforting. I'll have to truncate it a bit to comply with forum rules but I think you'll be able to get the gist of it. "We find life on this world so difficult because we weren't made for it...."

 

[JetGirl]

"We find life on this world so difficult because we weren't made for it...."

Thanks for that.

 

[Leadeye]

Rough story, things always hurt worse when it's family. Keep the good memories and discard the bad, they are only corrosive.

 

[churchmouse]

You may like this line I heard the other day; I found it comforting. I'll have to truncate it a bit to comply with forum rules but I think you'll be able to get the gist of it. "We find life on this world so difficult because we weren't made for it...."

I have always believed that to be true.

 

[kalboy]

Keeping you,your family and of course mom in our prayers here. Hoping you are granted some peace and rest during all this. I know it's far easier said than done but I hope you can ,as so many here have already said, to hang on to the good and let the bad slip away.