Having "The Talk" - Family vs. Curious Stranger

[ATM]

Good insight, seenitall. My man card probably causes me to miss subtleties.

Tread well, indy

 

[esrice]

ITN, you could also try some "scenario" talks (the "what ifs") with your wife. Many times women might understand what you're getting at if you can show it via a relatable story.

Something like:

"Honey, what if our family was walking through the mall (or insert favorite place) and right in front of us a mad-man opened fire on all the innocent shoppers? Wouldn't you want to have at least SOME way of protecting ourselves?"

She will then say "that's a crazy story. . . nothing like that is going to happen. . . you're just being paranoid."

And that's when you pull out the news story about the boy (sometime last year) that walked into the local mall and started shooting people with his AK-47.

Sometimes people need to be jolted out of "Condition White".

 

[indytechnerd]

Actually, I did just that last night. More better/worse than what if...

"Would you feel more or less safe if I were carrying while we're at the mall?"
She replied that she'd never NOT felt safe at the mall, but sometimes gets a bit creeped out in the parking lots.
I followed with...
"Would you feel more or less safe if we were hiking at the Smokies and I were carrying a gun?"
Not long before we went to Cherokee/Gatlinburg last time, a family was attacked a picnic area by a small black bear. She knew this when I asked.

In general, she said that those were things she'd never had to think about before. I think getting her to think about those things may help. I'm going to print out a copy of On Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs for her to read. I'm also thinking of putting all of my thoughts and reasons on paper also. It may be easier to digest if I'm not just unloading (bad pun I know) on her.

 

[esrice]

Well if she admits that she hasn't really even thought of these things, then THERE'S YOUR TICKET!

You're not trying to scare her, but hopefully when she realizes that this world is full of awful people that do awful things to innocent people, maybe she will come around to realize that some form of self-protection is necessary (and, in turn, come to realize that the firearm best fits this need).

 

[indytechnerd]

Ok, Evan, lemme see you hit a curve ball....

My wife's previous employment - Emergency Room Nurse and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner!

 

[sjstill]

PM headed your way, ITN.

 

[esrice]

Ok, Evan, lemme see you hit a curve ball....

My wife's previous employment - Emergency Room Nurse and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner!

I fold!

 

[esrice]

Ok, Evan, lemme see you hit a curve ball....

My wife's previous employment - Emergency Room Nurse and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner!

Ok I thought more about it. . .

Ask her if she realizes how thin the line is between laying on an exam table bleeding, and being the one examining, really is.

Explain that arming yourself with a handgun sure widens that margin.

 

[gage]

It seems to me you need some backup. If you are the only one feeding her the multitude of reasons why it's good to carry I imagine she would feel "pressured". A better case scenario might be to expose her to many like-minded people (especially other females) like the INGO get togethers. She may not be open to the idea of carrying until she can relate to other mothers that approve and/carry.

Best of luck if that doesn't work do as my mehanic does "if you can't fix it beat it into submission" little joke there.

 

[anifong]

Great thread - my wife has reacted mostly the same way, i look forward to reading more.

 

[Blue Tile Spook]

Ok, Evan, lemme see you hit a curve ball....

My wife's previous employment - Emergency Room Nurse and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner!

My wife's brother committed suicide a few years ago with a firearm that he stole from my wife's other brother.

I informed my wife that I wanted to purchase a firearm, and why. I asked for her advice on what type(s) of firearms that she would like to see in our house. I purchased a firearm soon after and handed her the box soon after I walked in the door so that she could see it, feel it, read the manual - basically anything she wanted to do with it.

She remained uncomfortable.

I started to carry CC and she watched my every move. She eagle-eyed me when I put it on my belt, she watched me when I took it off, she watched how and when I stored it at night, she watched and commented if it "printed" on my shirt when I was leaving the house, she has asked me several times, "How many bullets does that gun carry again?" After a couple weeks, she quit asking and watching any of it. She saw that my firearm didn't come out of its holster except when stowing it away at night. Lately, on the one or two times that I left the house and wasn't CC'ing she actually asked me WHY I wasn't carrying.

The biggest thing that has helped me convince her that carrying a firearm on a regular basis is because she works in a rougher neighborhood on the south side of Ft. Wayne and sees several "bangers" (possible gang members) visit her office, and some have either flashed a weapon or threatened to come back with a weapon. The police are a regular visitor to her office to escort some of these young "gentlemen" off the property and/or to jail when it has been found that they have outstanding warrants against them. She is torn between the "more guns = more violence" type of thought and the "have gun = ability for personal defense in a bad situation" type of thought.

 

[ralphb72]

Be gentle and give it time. Don't push too hard or too fast. Carry, but keep it out of sight and don't talk about it all of the time. Once every few months I show my wife the front of the NRA magazine where it has the page with articles on people who have defended their selves or their family. I got her a 22 pistol she has shot twice and seems to like it, she won't carry it yet, and she still thinks I'm nuts. Give it time.

 

[csaws]

The subject has been broached at the TechNerd household. Suffice to say, my wife is less than enthusiastic about me carrying when we're out and about. Now, I've read enough articles, forum posts, and blog entries that I could defend my rights against John Q with relative ease. That conversation has been infinitely more difficult with my wife.

To preface, I haven't carried for several years. I've owned a pistol the whole time I've been around her, and she has, in fact, bought me a long gun as a gift. But, to her, locked in a firebox in the closet and snapped into a holster on my hip are two WAY different ballparks.

I'm asking, then, fellow gun owners (and maybe a few spouses). How did you work around the issue in your household?

Just give it to her like this...

if you get in an accident in your car you can't call and get insurance after the fact. It is the same as a firearm, you can't call a timeout to run home and get it.

 

[csaws]

Perhaps she has little experience with firearms? Have you ever taught her? How did you present the idea to her? As a woman myself, I would be really offended if you just "did it anyway". Without having included her in this decision. If you just carry it anyway without considering her feelings or concerns, perhaps she may feel you are ignoring or dismissing her concerns. This is not something most wives respond well to. Obviously she's ok with having guns in the house (she bought you one). So an honest and non-threatening conversation may help. Remember, she has a reason for feeling the way she does. Have you ever asked her?

seenitall, I am going to politely disagree with you on this, it sounds like he has tried to include her in the decision and it seems just after it was mentioned the door was slammed in his face. If I recall correctly technerd has a small child as I do (4 y.o girl and 15 month son), if I were in his shoes I would carry no matter what she said, as a man it is my duty as it is technerds to protect his family. If she wants for him to put his balls on the mantle and do everything she says with out hesitation then I would do what I know in my heart is right and carry to protect my kids.

Technerd do what you feel is your duty as a man to your kids, if she doesn't want your protection then don't use it to defend her from harm. If you do this though be prepared for the wrath to follow for the rest of your marriage, and every fight be prepared to hear remember that time when I was attacked and you didn't use your gun to stop the person. lol

There is a fireman in Indy that shot his wife on accident thinking she was an intruder... twice. Think he ever lives that down?




Now to reverse this my wife is going to insist that our kids wear helmets and knee pads on a bike even though I think it is unnecessary and they look dumb as **** in them. I fell out of a wagon being towed behind a lawnmower by my parents no less when I was five... even-though I still to this day have a rock in my head I am no worse for the wear. If she does it anyway even if I say no is that ok?

 

[Bill of Rights]

Ok I thought more about it. . .

Ask her if she realizes how thin the line is between laying on an exam table bleeding, and being the one examining, really is.

Explain that arming yourself with a handgun sure widens that margin.

Not to mention, "How many of those girls you had to examine would have never seen the inside of the GYN room (at the ER) if they'd been able to protect themselves?"

There is no moral superiority to lying strangled to death with your own pantyhose in an alley or on your back getting pubes plucked by someone for evidence over standing with a smoking gun in your hand over the body of the guy who intended to rape you.

Blessings,
B

 

[USMC_0311]

Then, of course, do it anyway.

rep +1

When she finds it just tell her your happy to see her.

 

[techres]

I reiterate, go carefully and slowly. Carry anyways but the part where you try to convince her, go slow.

Took 6 months for my wife to be happy I carried. 12 months for her to forget I carried (i.e. no longer cared). And another year before she got her own pink paper.

If I had taken a "cause I said so" approach, I would likely still be married but she would have solidified her fear of guns into a hatred of guns. And that would have been a good case scenario.

As of now, she does not really carry, but she is completely on board with my carry and is happy with her job of huddling off the kids to the nearest EXIT sign while I play rearguard with return fire.

But, then again, give me another year and...

 

[techres]

Oh, and for the scaring scenarios, I prefer sharing the stories where the good gals win. I.E. don't add fear, add hope and success. Tell her every time a woman puts down a bad guy in defense of her life and dignity.

That kind of empowerment is what will turn her. If you pile on the stories of fear then she will cower in the "they'd just take it from you and use it on you" corner and you will get nowhere. Additionally, you will just become Mr. Downer.

Give her the good stories and explain that you want to be like the winners and that in those situations no other solution was viable. Tell her that you want to have the same chance those people had if the same situation ever arose.

Those stories can make for love and support. Add on the fear and you will just lose. Plus, CCW is not about fear, it is about life and survival.

 

[Pami]

Based on the progression of this thread, I've moved it to the Women & Guns forum.

Also, the responses so far have been mostly excellent, so I'm hesitant to add more... but I'm going to anyway.

First, you might find these threads useful since they cover generally the same topic:
https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/women_and_firearms/12060-my_wife_is_afraid_of_guns.html
https://www.indianagunowners.com/fo...w_do_i_get_my_wife_to_let_me_go_shooting.html
https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/women_and_firearms/10668-wife_is_afraid_of_guns.html


.. there's more, I just picked the ones off the first page.

In addition to the excellent advice already given (and taken, it sounds like): does she spend any time reading websites? does she know how to navigate forums? You might point her at a few of the discussions on here (like some of the threads I mentioned, or even just this one) and show her that there are women (with children! *gasp*) that not only ALLOW firearms in the house, but some of us even actually carry them ourselves! And strangely enough, we even look and act like normal people most days.

Anyway, I'd say just keep on doing what you're doing... mentioning scenarios, what ifs, etc. Keep talking, but don't push; stop when she's done with the subject. Eventually she'll come around. Just ask W9ZEB.

PS.. don't expect an overnight conviction, either... It took Lars several years to get me to let him have a gun in the house.

 

[gage]

ladies perspective agrees w/ this one

Oh, and for the scaring scenarios, I prefer sharing the stories where the good gals win. I.E. don't add fear, add hope and success. Tell her every time a woman puts down a bad guy in defense of her life and dignity.

That kind of empowerment is what will turn her. If you pile on the stories of fear then she will cower in the "they'd just take it from you and use it on you" corner and you will get nowhere. Additionally, you will just become Mr. Downer.

Give her the good stories and explain that you want to be like the winners and that in those situations no other solution was viable. Tell her that you want to have the same chance those people had if the same situation ever arose.

Those stories can make for love and support. Add on the fear and you will just lose. Plus, CCW is not about fear, it is about life and survival.

+1 Totally Agreed and rep'd.