INGO: Joke of the day page

[HandK]

New Ice Cream Announced
> >
> > In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice
> > Cream has issued a new flavor, "Barocky Road."
> >
> > Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by
> > Nuts and Flakes.
> >
> > The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied
> > as an ingredient.
> >
> > The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
> >
> > The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.
> >
> > When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but
> > then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.
> >
> > Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone,
> > with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
> >
> > Aren't You Feeling Stimulated?
> >

 

[Turn Key]

JUST how bad is the Economy?

[FONT=&quot]Motel Six now won't leave the light on![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]CEO's are now playing miniature golf.......

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

The Mafia is lying off judges.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.[/FONT]


TK

 

[SavageEagle]

I got one.

obamatard just announced he plans to make the Tax Code easy and more fair!

 

[Roadie]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

[semperfi211]

Subject: FW: IRS Audit


At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of
a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread
wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete prick'.

 

[SavageEagle]

One day, long, long, long ago, there was a woman who didn't whine, nag, or bitch.


But it was long ago, and just that one day.

The end.

 

[jennybird]

One day, long, long, long ago, there was a woman who didn't whine, nag, or bitch.


But it was long ago, and just that one day.

The end.

One day, long, long, long ago, there was a man who didn't belch, fart, blow snot-rockets, scratch his balls, or make a piggish remark about "titties and beer".

Yes, it was a peaceful day for the woman Savage Eagle speaks of.

 

[RogerB]

 

[SavageEagle]

One day, long, long, long ago, there was a man who didn't belch, fart, blow snot-rockets, scratch his balls, or make a piggish remark about "titties and beer".

Yes, it was a peaceful day for the woman Savage Eagle speaks of.

It's a shame my fiance was the one who sent me MY joke.

What's your excuse?

 

[RogerB]

A hole behind

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A hole behind[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He thanked her and went back to his golf. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"No I wouldn't." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She said, "See I knew you would laugh." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!" [/FONT]

 

[jennybird]

It's a shame my fiance was the one who sent me MY joke.

What's your excuse?

I'm just a spit-fire. What can I say?

 

[semperfi211]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1..00
Total: $21.00
==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter,
kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50..00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from
holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter
on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to
clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit..

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.



28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer..

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed
steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

 

[SavageEagle]

I LOVE IT!

 

[Turn Key]

A Classic

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,
so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''











TK

 

[Roadie]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,
so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''











TK

Nice, funny AND thought provoking!

 

[Turn Key]

Nice, funny AND thought provoking!

A Big 10-4 to all LEO's that may be surfin' here.



TK

 

[Marshall74]

Heres a few.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? Made the chain too long.

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

Why are womens feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the stove

Why do they call it PMS? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.

 

[Sureshot129]

^^^^^^^^^^FUNNY^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I got some more,

What do you do when a woman's watch breaks........Nothing theres a clock on the stove.

How many men does it take to open a beer....... None she had better have it open when she brings it to you.

Why did the woman cross the road?........Who cares what was she doing out of the kitchen.

 

[Marshall74]

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

 

[HandK]

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

You forgot, And do'nt ask me if those jeans make your butt look big, it is your butt that makes your butt look big ! and that is a question that I cant answer with out an attorney present anyway.