INGO: Joke of the day page

[RogerB]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A man was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Then, do you really feel
you are qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"



The stranger turned his back and tried to go to sleep ! !

 

[TomN]

And it always comes back to poop.....

 

[RogerB]

And it always comes back to poop.....

well of course it does....hencethe phrase...

"Thats some funny sh!t right there!"

If it weren't true they could say it or put it on tv....right?

 

[TomN]

well of course it does....hencethe phrase...

"Thats some funny sh!t right there!"

If it weren't true they could say it or put it on tv....right?

Good points!

Repped for knowing your ****!

 

[DRob]

Who says cops have no compassion?

Police Compassion

Ft. Worth Police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Trinity River ..... The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.

The police thoughtfully removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

 

[mikea46996]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know,"
said Obama. "How about
the economy?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Then, do you really feel
you are qualified to discuss the economy when you don't know ****?"



Obama turned his back and tried to go to sleep ! !

Fixed that for you.

 

[RogerB]

Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink


A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to 'Mom' . With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she

is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Mom she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we
will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take

care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that

you can get to know your grandchildren.



Love,
Your Son Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[TheDude]

What do you call the useless fleshy part around a tumor?


























Ted Kennedy

 

[semperfi211]

> In West Virginia a
> hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her
> husband in bed with another woman. With super-human
> strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, she dragged
> him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool
> shed out back of the barn.
>
>
>
> She put his tally-whacker
> in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the
> handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
>
>
>
> The banged up hillbilly was
> terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop!
>
>
>
> You're not gonna cut it
> off with that rusty saw, are you?'
>
>
>
> The wife, with a gleam of
> revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand
> and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on
> fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you
> want.'

 

[Caleb]

Fixed that for you.

JOE THE PLUMBER ON A PLANE

Obama was seated next to Joe the plumber on an airplane when Obama turned to him and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Joe the plumber, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know,"
said Obama. "How about
the economy?" and he smiles.

"OK," Joe the plumber said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the Joe the plumber's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the Joe the plumber replies, "Then, do you really feel
you are qualified to discuss the economy when you don't know ****?"



Obama turned his back and tried to go to sleep ! !

I re-fixed that for you

 

[mikea46996]

^^^Very good I never thought of that..

 

[turnandshoot4]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

 

[Turn Key]

A bald man with a wooden leg
is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his bald head and his
leg so he writes to a costume
company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a
parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's
outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with
your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible
because they have emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week goes
by and he receives another parcel
and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since
they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his
bald head so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of
complaint.

A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of
molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co



TK

 

[jennybird]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

[Turn Key]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)







If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)












The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)








A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)








A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)








Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)





The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)









The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)







The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)












Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)











Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)









The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)













Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)









A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)








An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)









Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)









Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)









Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)



TK

 

[ruger7722]

whats the differance between a blonde and a brick?when you lay a brick,it wont follow you home

 

[Caleb]

whats the differance between a blonde and a brick?when you lay a brick,it wont follow you home

no, but it will be there when you return....

 

[Sureshot129]

Redneck pick-up lines


1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.


2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.


3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.


4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.


5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.


6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.


7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would ! break t he ice."


9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock
.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.


and.... the best for last!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

[Caleb]

^^ I've gotten this in a text message

 

[Turn Key]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.




TK