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INGO: Joke of the day page
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An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't **** on my slippers.'
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't **** on my slippers.'
White Wedding
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue wouldbe nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediatelyand never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband, asked the sales clerk?’
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
TK
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue wouldbe nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediatelyand never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband, asked the sales clerk?’
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
TK
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f @$% -up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
TK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f @$% -up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
TK
Sureshot129
Expert
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
Kicking the animals
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Subject: Breaking News - White House Gardener Fired
It has just been reported that the chief gardener at the White House
has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents.
When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said
"All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked,
"Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe". The next thing I knew I
was fired.
It has just been reported that the chief gardener at the White House
has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents.
When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said
"All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked,
"Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe". The next thing I knew I
was fired.
Obama wants to alter the flag !!
The government today announced that it is changing the national flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.
A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
The government today announced that it is changing the national flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.
A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
I really need something to do today..
I'm bored today so you folks get to put up with me.
Have another joke....
Border Patrol
A man seeking to join a border patrol is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a 1911 service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six Illegal Aliens.
Six Meth Dealers.
Six Muslim Extremists.
And One Rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" asks the young man.
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
I'm bored today so you folks get to put up with me.
Have another joke....
Border Patrol
A man seeking to join a border patrol is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a 1911 service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six Illegal Aliens.
Six Meth Dealers.
Six Muslim Extremists.
And One Rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" asks the young man.
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Last edited:
Ted Nugent Interview
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
A man recently passed away at the ripe old age of 90, and since he was a youngster he put black powder on his corn flakes every morning.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 20 grand-children, 10 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 20 grand-children, 10 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
TO: ALL BLACK PEOPLE
FROM: YOU KNOW!!
RE: NAMING YOUR CHILDREN
DATE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
Please don't start naming your children after the President…Obamanesha, Obamalaya, Obamaria, Obahmah, Obamaletta, Barakesha, Barakyah, etc.
Don't start that mess! PLEASE!!
YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY RECEIVED THE MEMO AND HAVE BEEN WARNED!
TK
FROM: YOU KNOW!!
RE: NAMING YOUR CHILDREN
DATE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
Please don't start naming your children after the President…Obamanesha, Obamalaya, Obamaria, Obahmah, Obamaletta, Barakesha, Barakyah, etc.
Don't start that mess! PLEASE!!
YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY RECEIVED THE MEMO AND HAVE BEEN WARNED!
TK
Ya' gotta' like the way kids think!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille , age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick , age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori , age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette , age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig , age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam , age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt , age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard , age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita , age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky , age 10
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille , age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick , age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori , age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette , age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig , age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam , age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt , age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard , age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita , age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky , age 10
RandyMarlar
Plinker
Do you know the generic name for Viagra?
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Saliva....
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Saliva....
RandyMarlar
Plinker
Man was walking down the beach and finds a genie lamp. He rubs it, genie pops out, says I'll give you 1 wish. The man says I would like to be surrounded by ***** the rest of my life. The genie replies and turns the man into a tampon.
a couple for the cannibals
Wait, Wait!!!!! I have more!
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one looks to the other and says.....
"Hey, does this taste funny to you."
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're bitter.
Wait, Wait!!!!! I have more!
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one looks to the other and says.....
"Hey, does this taste funny to you."
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're bitter.
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