Hassiebawked
Plinker
That’s absolutely hilarious. I’m stealing this.Read the WHOLE thingView attachment 243668
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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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Hoosierdood
Grandmaster
A better punchline would be "Then I learned to lock the bathroom door."
Hoosierdood
Grandmaster
A priest goes to see his bishop and asks if he would hear his confession.
“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”
“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.
“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”
“Well Your Grace I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what is probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.
“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.
“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”
“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”
“No Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”
“Oh so that is what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.
“No Your Grace because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”
“Okay so is that when you used a profanity?” The Bishop asked.
“No sir, you see as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”
The Bishop looked at the priest carefully and said, “You missed the f***ing putt didn’t you?”
“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”
“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.
“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”
“Well Your Grace I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what is probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.
“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.
“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”
“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”
“No Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”
“Oh so that is what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.
“No Your Grace because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”
“Okay so is that when you used a profanity?” The Bishop asked.
“No sir, you see as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”
The Bishop looked at the priest carefully and said, “You missed the f***ing putt didn’t you?”
That golf joke reminds me of this one:
One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up close to the same place. But Jesus walked out onto the water, and took another shot. He landed even closer to the cup.
The old man stepped up, and took his shot. He also landed in almost the same spot, in the middle of the water. But a frog came by, and picked up the ball. It started to hop away when an eagle came swooping down on it, carrying it over the green. As it flew over, the frog dropped the ball. The ball then rolled into the hole for a perfect hole in one.
Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your father."
One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up close to the same place. But Jesus walked out onto the water, and took another shot. He landed even closer to the cup.
The old man stepped up, and took his shot. He also landed in almost the same spot, in the middle of the water. But a frog came by, and picked up the ball. It started to hop away when an eagle came swooping down on it, carrying it over the green. As it flew over, the frog dropped the ball. The ball then rolled into the hole for a perfect hole in one.
Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your father."
Nun's taking a Bath when she hears a Knock at the door.
In a Panic she says "Who is it?"
Fella says "It's the Blind Man"
Relived, the Nun says "come on in."
The man comes into the bathroom & says "Nice Boobs, where do you want your Blinds?"
In a Panic she says "Who is it?"
Fella says "It's the Blind Man"
Relived, the Nun says "come on in."
The man comes into the bathroom & says "Nice Boobs, where do you want your Blinds?"
After all the bad dad jokes he posted (funny dad jokes) his last one to share with us was this gem.
Thanks for the laughs BT, we'll miss ya Sir.
nonobaddog
Grandmaster
Bangkok has the most tourists of all the cities in the world.
FTFY
spencer rifle
Grandmaster
Must be the name...
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening
to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on in
Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!'
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening
to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on in
Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!'
nonobaddog
Grandmaster
Retirement Choices
(choose wisely)
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to North Dakota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is"He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "He needed killing" is a valid defense.
3. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
4. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist....but not a psychotherapist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
(choose wisely)
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to North Dakota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is"He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "He needed killing" is a valid defense.
3. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
4. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist....but not a psychotherapist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Doctor: I'm calling about your recent test results. I have bad news and worse news.
Me: Oh my what's the bad news?
Doctor: I hate it but you only have 48 hours to live.
Me: OMG what could possibly be worse than that?
Doctor: I'm sorry I was supposed to call you yesterday.
Me: Oh my what's the bad news?
Doctor: I hate it but you only have 48 hours to live.
Me: OMG what could possibly be worse than that?
Doctor: I'm sorry I was supposed to call you yesterday.
Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "
Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."
Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "
Spock: " I completely agree Jim. "
Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."
Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "
Spock: " I completely agree Jim. "
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?”
She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says:
"Probably at work."
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?”
She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says:
"Probably at work."
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