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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I have misplaced it before and couldnt find it! 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. baking powder 1 cup water ... ... 1 tsp. salt 1 cup brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2... cups dried fruit. Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the tequ...ila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Get up, check tequila. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter off with the cat.
.......and then, all the good people of INGO forgot about all the many bad ones he told.
He got them, he got them good.
Lost Californian
Expert
This happened about a month ago, just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina , and although it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's reportedly true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly, and no cars went by. It was raining so hard that he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly, he saw a car approaching very slowly, appearing almost ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him, and stopped. Wanting a ride really badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh where he would surely drown Suddenly, just before the car reached the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take. He jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a convenience store, and with his voice quavering, began to tell what had happened. He told everybody about his supernatural experience with the car, the hand, and the curves. A silence enveloped the customers, and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk who wandered in.
About half an hour later the people were still amazed at the story and had decided the man was going to be all right. No one had moved from the store however when two other guys walked into the store panting. One said to the other, "Look Bubba, there's that idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly, and no cars went by. It was raining so hard that he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly, he saw a car approaching very slowly, appearing almost ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him, and stopped. Wanting a ride really badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh where he would surely drown Suddenly, just before the car reached the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take. He jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a convenience store, and with his voice quavering, began to tell what had happened. He told everybody about his supernatural experience with the car, the hand, and the curves. A silence enveloped the customers, and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk who wandered in.
About half an hour later the people were still amazed at the story and had decided the man was going to be all right. No one had moved from the store however when two other guys walked into the store panting. One said to the other, "Look Bubba, there's that idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."
nonobaddog
Grandmaster
A Christmas Parrot
A married man is shopping in a mall for a Christmas present for his wife because he had forgotten to buy it until the day arrived.
He walks into a pet store to get a unique and unusual present for his wife. He looks through the categories of animals, but can’t find anything, so he asks an assistant if there is anything unique in the store because he needs to find something quick.
The assistant thinks for awhile then says,”yes, we have a parrot that can sing Christmas carols.” The man becomes ecstatic about this and asks the assistant to show him the parrot.
As he is shown the parrot, the assistant tells him that the parrot’s name is Chet and the parrot will only sing if you warm up his feet with a match. So the assistant pulls out a match and lights it, he then puts it under the parrots foot.
This causes the parrot to sing “Jingle bells”, and the man says, ”Wow, i’ve never seen anything like this.” The man then asks if the parrot can sing anything else. The assistant puts the match under Chet’s left foot. Chet then sings “silent night”. The man is amazed and buys Chet.
He takes Chet home and shows his wife everything that it can do, and she’s amazed. The wife asks what would happen if they put the match between Chet’s legs. He replies,” I don’t know, lets try it.” Without saying more they light a match and put it between Chet’s legs. Then Chet clears his throat and starts singing, Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…
(There - now, like me, everytime you hear that song you will think of this joke)
A married man is shopping in a mall for a Christmas present for his wife because he had forgotten to buy it until the day arrived.
He walks into a pet store to get a unique and unusual present for his wife. He looks through the categories of animals, but can’t find anything, so he asks an assistant if there is anything unique in the store because he needs to find something quick.
The assistant thinks for awhile then says,”yes, we have a parrot that can sing Christmas carols.” The man becomes ecstatic about this and asks the assistant to show him the parrot.
As he is shown the parrot, the assistant tells him that the parrot’s name is Chet and the parrot will only sing if you warm up his feet with a match. So the assistant pulls out a match and lights it, he then puts it under the parrots foot.
This causes the parrot to sing “Jingle bells”, and the man says, ”Wow, i’ve never seen anything like this.” The man then asks if the parrot can sing anything else. The assistant puts the match under Chet’s left foot. Chet then sings “silent night”. The man is amazed and buys Chet.
He takes Chet home and shows his wife everything that it can do, and she’s amazed. The wife asks what would happen if they put the match between Chet’s legs. He replies,” I don’t know, lets try it.” Without saying more they light a match and put it between Chet’s legs. Then Chet clears his throat and starts singing, Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…
(There - now, like me, everytime you hear that song you will think of this joke)
Last edited:
flyingsquirrel
Master
This has to do with our own native son, Mary Pete. I heard him twice today about the Southwest cluster. He stated that he was going to peenal-ize them severely. They better get ready.
Sir. Do you wish to leave. There's a chance the attack could work.
Retreat? In our moment of triumph?
Sir. John Wick's dog was on Alderaan.
I'm outta here.
Retreat? In our moment of triumph?
Sir. John Wick's dog was on Alderaan.
I'm outta here.
I'm posting this with a heavy heart.
I love hunting, running trail cameras, fishing, trapping and everything that goes with it. But as 2022 comes to an end I'm done.
This is taking up to much of my time. I'm struggling to keep up with everyday chores of snow removal, vacuuming, mowing, cleaning and home maintenance.
So something has to give I've decided to get rid of all my gear. Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Vacuum cleaner, broom and dustpan, mop and bucket, lawn mower, snow blower, leaf blower, laundry detergent and iron.
Happy New Year
I love hunting, running trail cameras, fishing, trapping and everything that goes with it. But as 2022 comes to an end I'm done.
This is taking up to much of my time. I'm struggling to keep up with everyday chores of snow removal, vacuuming, mowing, cleaning and home maintenance.
So something has to give I've decided to get rid of all my gear. Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Vacuum cleaner, broom and dustpan, mop and bucket, lawn mower, snow blower, leaf blower, laundry detergent and iron.
Happy New Year
Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A woman was very concerned that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'You probrem vewy vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my god, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look ed zachary like you ass.'..... ed zachary
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'You probrem vewy vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my god, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look ed zachary like you ass.'..... ed zachary
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