This is a timely thread for me. My step grandson has been diagnosed with ADHD, and he is definitely a handful. Some of his behavior just irritates me to no end, but when I stop and think about it, some of it is really just a boy being a boy (breaking stuff, climbing on things he shouldn't be climbing on, etc.). A lot of it is the same kinda stuff I did as a kid, and probably irritated my dad (and Mom to some extent). However, one of his traits is just being mean to other kids. I mean scuffling with other boys is "normal" I think, but he has taken to picking on little girls too, which to me is completely unacceptable. I didn't do it. I was taught to respect girls (and women) and never ever would have thought about doing anything like he does.
Just this past weekend, at a family reunion in a public park (I wasn't there but DoggyMama was), he apparently pushed a little girl down and took one of her shoes. Needless to say, he got in trouble. DoggyMama had him apologize to the little girl, and when they got home he was sent directly to his bedroom here at our house. After a few minutes, he came out whining and crying because he said he had "cut" his finger. He said something in the couch "poked him". I didn't even see a mark, but you'd have thought he had lost a limb. I told DoggyMama (in front of him so he could hear it clearly) that "little boys that pick on little girls aren't really boys - they're just whiny little girls (didn't want to use the "P" word)". I'm sure there are folks that think ridiculing him like that is inappropriate, but I really don't care. That's something I will not tolerate and it's obvious that he's not being taught to respect girls at home. I don't think he's taught to respect much of anything, truth be told.
When he and his sister (a major whine-monster) come and spend a couple of days with us, they're totally out of control when they get here. They start getting better towards the end of their stay, because we demand it - doing what they're told, when they're told, with no back talk, please and thank you, etc.. By the time they go back home, they've improved, but the next time they come back we're back to square one. Their father doesn't seem to want to break them of these habits. Other than a stern "don't do that" with no followup or consequences when they misbehave again, he doesn't really do anything. These kids are going to have major problems when they get older I fear.
It is sort of like the pit bull argument. Owners say it is all about how they are trained. Teach a kid to whine by always giving the kid what is desired just to shut them up and they learn to whine until they get what they want. We reinforce it by continuing to do it.
My second grandson does this with his mom. When he came to my house one day I told him he was at my house and he was not going to do that here. He said "Okay." and did not repeat it until his mother came to get him.
When mom arrived he started it again. I picked him up (he is five years old) and held him at eye level - we were eyeball to eyeball - and told him he was still at my house and he was not going to do that here. I put him down and he immediately went to do what mom had told him to do without any complaint. Mom was impressed. I told her it would work for a little while, but eventually he would challenge me on it. Unless she stopped it at home it would continue.
When the kid got home he started in immediately with the whining. She told him he could not do it at grandpa's house so she was not going to have it at home. The kid was shocked, I later learned, but his behavior has changed.
The kids just need to be taught how to behave properly.