is it a good or bad idea to let a 14 year old visit her mom in jail?

[MrsGungho]

Also daughter will no doubt want to ask her mom what it is like. I am wondering if I should quickly steer the conversation into something else

no, don't steer it to something else. Your daughter is 14 years old, she is growing up whether you want it not. She isn't as naive or innocent as you seem to think she is, unless you've kept her in a plastic bubble away from all else her entire life. Seriously, visitation at a prison isn't as bad as all that.

Just take her to see Mom and just let them have their talks.

 

[churchmouse]

thought I would ask about this in the off topic section here since I feel many here might actually have experience in the law enforcement or know a lot about it.


My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my daughter we should be glad her mother is serving time for her actions. Doing the right thing for her mistakes. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because I don't think my daughter to be exposed to a prison environment. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image. Her mom will be dressed in a jail uniform and is of course rightfully being treated like any other inmate but that might send a "normalizing" message to my daughter . My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she also said it is kind of funny that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it If I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her? Is it a good idea for her to ask her mother questions about all this? also, I am willing to still let her be involved with her daughter and other things going on by telling her everything when she calls and asking about them. Is this alright? I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. What do you think about this?

Paragraphs man......paragraphs. This is painful to read......

Heck yes let her go see Mom. This is a valuable lifes lesson.

 

[Que]

I would not take my fourteen-year old son or daughter into that environment, but that's just me. I would make sure she understood that our love didn't change, but s phone call would be about it.

 

[churchmouse]

I would not take my fourteen-year old son or daughter into that environment, but that's just me. I would make sure she understood that our love didn't change, but s phone call would be about it.

If you have ever been into a visitation area it is not that bad.
It is something that should be experienced if a family member is locked down and the kids have questions. JMHO of course but this is fast becoming a big part of our world.

 

[buddy17]

I say expose her to it. Maybe it will scare her a bit and she'll know to not end up there also.

 

[Que]

If you have ever been into a visitation area it is not that bad.
It is something that should be experienced if a family member is locked down and the kids have questions. JMHO of course but this is fast becoming a big part of our world.

I understand my input may seem harsh. Although I've never had to visit a family member, I did ministry in juvenile centers every two weeks for about two years and Pendleton, Wabash Valley and Plainfield for about five years. Although the mother is likely in a minimum security facility, I would answer the child's questions and allow the mother to answer questions over the phone. Who is most impacted when a child has to see her mom in prison clothes and then have to leave them there? That is a level of pressure we may not understand from a child's perspective. Yes, the mother needs support, but the child also needs to be properly cared for during this difficult time.

 

[Que]

I say expose her to it. Maybe it will scare her a bit and she'll know to not end up there also.

What we may believe is scaring a child is often attracting them.

 

[JollyMon]

What we may believe is scaring a child is often attracting them.

Guess that "scared straight" program was a waste of money then

 

[nocash84]

What county is she in? I visit the Marion County jail almost weekly and can tell you she will not be exposed to other inmates. All visitation from family is done through video confrence. I have done my fair share of visitation in Johnson County and have never had a bad experience there either.
I say take her, if it is something she doesnt like she is old enough to make that call.

 

[Que]

Guess that "scared straight" program was a waste of money then

I'm not sure. Do you know if it worked? Besides, I'm not sure the child in this instance is in need of shock treatment. I am simply cautioning the parent who is not incarcerated to consider what is best for the child and not the incarcerated parent.

 

[mom45]

I would have to add that 14 year olds know way more than you think. I have a 14 year old niece who is far better informed about life than I ever was at that age. These kids have been exposed to a lot at school. It is likely that she knows other kids at school who have had parents incarcerated. When I subbed, I had kids in first grade who visited their parents in jail...regularly....and those kids were great kids and knew their parents had done wrong. At 14, I think she has a pretty good idea of right and wrong. She needs her relationship with her mother, and keeping them apart for six months isn't going to do anything to help that relationship. It may very well alienate her from her mom.

 

[CindyE]

I would have to add that 14 year olds know way more than you think. I have a 14 year old niece who is far better informed about life than I ever was at that age. These kids have been exposed to a lot at school. It is likely that she knows other kids at school who have had parents incarcerated. When I subbed, I had kids in first grade who visited their parents in jail...regularly....and those kids were great kids and knew their parents had done wrong. At 14, I think she has a pretty good idea of right and wrong. She needs her relationship with her mother, and keeping them apart for six months isn't going to do anything to help that relationship. It may very well alienate her from her mom.

Not to mention it may cause a strained relationship with her dad, if she wants to see her mom. Resentment isn't anything you want to encourage during those troubled teen years.

 

[buddy17]

What we may believe is scaring a child is often attracting them.

I believe her upbringing outside her mother/jail is going to really be the key factor. Teaching them to be a good citizen and showing them what happens if your not goes hand in hand.

Taking firearms as an example.....being taught young to be safe around firearms is one thing. But taking them back in the woods and showing them how to be safe makes all the difference. Exposure is key.

 

[5000]

Wouldn't it feel weird for her to see her mom in a jail jumpsuit or whatever? And other inmates and the guards? That's the main thing I worry about

 

[churchmouse]

Wouldn't it feel weird for her to see her mom in a jail jumpsuit or whatever? And other inmates and the guards? That's the main thing I worry about

No. She needs to know. You can not hide her in a bubble. Her mom is in jail. Things need to be explained.
Again, just my humble opinion.

 

[bwframe]

I would not take my fourteen-year old son or daughter into that environment, but that's just me. I would make sure she understood that our love didn't change, but s phone call would be about it.

I'm with Que. Prison is no place for kids, even worse for teens. Marginalize it and they'll be spending time there themselves down the road.

 

[Que]

I believe her upbringing outside her mother/jail is going to really be the key factor. Teaching them to be a good citizen and showing them what happens if your not goes hand in hand.

Taking firearms as an example.....being taught young to be safe around firearms is one thing. But taking them back in the woods and showing them how to be safe makes all the difference. Exposure is key.

To teach a child to be safe with firearms doesn't necessitate a trip to the morgue to show them what a person looks like who lost at a game of Russian Roulette.

 

[nocash84]

Maybe you should go visit by yourself first then make the call. I'm telling you she will not be exsposed to anything that she woulnt see at a public school. Marion county has a very strict rules in place and there will be no contact with other inmates and she will only be able to see and communicate with the person she is scheduled to visit with.

 

[Fargo]

I'm with Que. Prison is no place for kids, even worse for teens. Marginalize it and they'll be spending time there themselves down the road.

We are talking about the county lockup here, not prison. There is a world of difference between the county jail and Wabash Valley, Pendleton etc...

 

[bwframe]

...she will only be able to see and communicate with the person she is scheduled to visit with.

Including the waiting area?

I think what's not being taken into consideration here is rubbing shoulders with ALL the other prison visitors. Another issue that may not be taken into consideration is the prison staff. With all due respect, they are a fairly jaded bunch.

We are talking about the county lockup here, not prison. There is a world of difference between the county jail and Wabash Valley, Pendleton etc...

An altogether better environment, I'm sure...

I have had some exposure to this circumstance in Monroe and Brown County.
I stick by my advice, don't expose your kids or teens to this. They can make their own decision when they are 18.