INGO: Joke of the day page

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Armed Citizen]

On morning while a housewife was working alone at home there was a knock on the door.
She opens the door to find a man standing there, she asks can I help you ?
The man said do you have a vagina?
the woman slams the door in anger.

Next day - the exact same thing happens. She again slams the door in the man's face.

Over dinner that night she tells her husband about this man and his vagina questions.

Her husband tells her he is going to stay home from work tomorrow and if he shows up again he is going to hide behind the door and tells his wife if he ask if you have a vagina again tell him yes.

Next day there is a knock at the door and its the man again, husband hides behind the door and the wife opens it. She ask can I help you. The man again asks her if she has a vagina. This time the woman answers yes I do.
The man says great tell your husband to play with yours and leave my wife's alone !!!

 

[Drewski]

When someone tells you to "break a leg" in an audition, it's because they want to end up in the cast.

 

[Dentoro]

When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!

 

[AndreusMaximus]

Saw the following advice on hiking in areas where there might be bears around. Could be useful info to have:

It's important when in Bear Country to wear little bells on your clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear you coming from a distance and not be startled. This might cause a bear to charge.

Hikers should also carry "pepper spray" just in case they encounter a bear. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. Hikers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur.
Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper spray.

 

[Armed Citizen]

A guy wakes up one morning sick as hell. He calls his boss
"Boss I wont be in today. I feel like crap, whole body hurts, I am very sick"

Boss said
"Man I am sorry you are sick but I really need you today"

Guy said
"I am sorry boss but I am sick, I don't think I'll be in"

Boss said
"Let me give you some advice, when I wake up sick I just roll over and flat give it to my wife, hard and fast, always makes me feel better"

2 hours later the guy calls his boss and said
"Boss I feel so much better, I am on my way in..... Oh and thank you for that advice it worked perfectly and by the way you have a very nice home"

 

[tomcat13]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma' veins".

 

[jerrob]

HEY!!!!!................I'm of Scottish heritage and find that joke extremely accurate.

 

[Chewie]

HEY!!!!!................I'm of Scottish heritage and find that joke extremely accurate.

I'm half Scottish and half Dutch so I am a Super Tightwad +. About all I would send is a "Thanks" and keep the chocolates for myself!

 

[Cameramonkey]

"All women are Bi. You just have to figure out if its sexual or polar."
(that one got a WaPo columnist suspended for a month LOL)

 

[smokingman]

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him:
- “That’ll be 100 euros.”
The German is in shock.
- “What do you mean, 100 euros? Yesterday it was only 5!”
- “Well today it’s 100.”
- “But why 100, dammit?!”
- “I’ll explain it to you now”, the bartender says. “5 euros is for the beer. 15 more – to help Ukraine. 20 – assistance to the European countries which have imposed sanctions and are not members of the EU. Another 10 – to help the UK for the successful implementation of its sanctions against Russia. Another 10 go to the Balkan countries to help them to buy heating coal. And the remaining 40 euros – they’re for the gas subsidy to the EU and the fund to help maintain sanctions.”
The German silently took out a hundred-euro bill and handed it to the bartender. The bartender took the money, put it into his cash register, and then took out a 5-euro note and gave it back.
The German is confused.
- “Wait, you said 100 – I gave you 100. Why are you giving me back 5 euros?”
- “There’s no beer.”

 

[jamil]

"All women are Bi. You just have to figure out if its sexual or polar."
(that one got a WaPo columnist suspended for a month LOL)

I mean. It’s a good joke.

 

[Cameramonkey]

I mean. It’s a good joke.

He got his revenge. one of the perpetually offended snowflake coworkers complaining about him got fired for being an insufferable c***. I guess even after he got suspended, she just couldnt let it go. I guess she thought he should be fired?

 

[jake blue]

Respected cryogenicist Dr. Margaret Tupper has patented a revolutionary garment for her clients to wear during their frozen stay. She's calling it Tupperwear!

 

[BigRed]

Asked a buddy how his son was doing.

He said the guy gets to work out at least 4 times a week, reads a book or two every week, and gets laid at least three times a week. Yet all he ever does is complain about being in prison.

 

[jake blue]

Asked a buddy how his son was doing.

He said the guy gets to work out at least 4 times a week, reads a book or two every week, and gets laid at least three times a week. Yet all he ever does is complain about being in prison.

Prison and military - both offer free housing, free healthcare, free meals, and you can get in the best shape of your life. One offers free guns and ammo as well as world travels, the other offers the sex although few want it. Seems to me government has something for everyone!

 

[actaeon277]

 

[KokomoDave]

I took my pup to the vet and was told my canine had only small testicles and could not reproduce. I said: Well, he was acting a little nuts.

 

[Bigtanker]