Colonoscopy. They're no joke.

[DadSmith]

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.




Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there

I'm glad @snorko revived this.
You should be a comedian @AllenM

I've been through 2 so far. Woke up while they were about 16,000 miles deep the last one they did. That isn't a pleasant feeling.

 

[DadSmith]

Bumping an old thread as I am T-minus 5 hours from my second in a lifetime colonoscopy. Second dose of prep is down and bowel explosions anticipated in >1 hour. No solid food for the last 48 and I am looking forward to dinner.

48 hours?

 

[AllenM]

This is odd timing. I am due for my first one next week.. Was really odd when I saw this resurface

 

[Cameramonkey]

I'm up at the end of the month. Cant wait.

 

[Ballstater98]

I have my 1st one scheduled for June now that they lowered the age to 45 (even with a family history). I opted for pills rather than drinking the concoction. So much for putting it off for a couple more years.

 

[tmschuller]

Had my first one this year. 56.. took the 2 bottles of tablets.. went good go back in 10 years.. recommend the tablets over the gallon of miralax.. drink more water so your not dehydrated.

 

[snorko]

48 hours?

Instructions allow a light breakfast & lunch the day before with liquids only starting at just under 24 hours before the procedure. Prep is two 6oz bottles mixed with water, one +/-21 hours before and the second 5 hours before. I admit my morning broth the day before was homemade egg drop soup to get a little protein, but I don't have a problem with hunger much and like to go lighter than needed to make the "cleansing" easier.

 

[WebSnyper]

Did the thing where they ship the box to you and you ship it back and get results online. 2nd one of these I've done.

 

[JCSR]

This is odd timing. I am due for my first one next week.. Was really odd when I saw this resurface

No worries it's just a tiny camera they slip in there to peek around. You'll never even notice.

 

[KellyinAvon]

You will never remember the procedure, but you will never forget the prep.

 

[Colt556]

This is odd timing. I am due for my first one next week.. Was really odd when I saw this resurface

The night of a thousand water falls! I’ve had upper and lower done and hopefully won’t need another anytime soon.
They do want to run a camera up the the front side to look at my prostate and bladder and brother that is not a fun thing to experience!!!!

 

[BugI02]

Did the thing where they ship the box to you and you ship it back and get results online. 2nd one of these I've done.

Be cautious. I don't have a citation available but have heard anecdotally that some insurance companies will charge you more for the colonoscopy if the need is triggered by that Cologuard test because the colonoscopy is no longer seen as a screening procedure but as elective surgery

It seems like the sort of thing an insurance company might do

 

[DadSmith]

 

[Cameramonkey]

Be cautious. I don't have a citation available but have heard anecdotally that some insurance companies will charge you more for the colonoscopy if the need is triggered by that Cologuard test because the colonoscopy is no longer seen as a screening procedure but as elective surgery

It seems like the sort of thing an insurance company might do

This.

Just be careful, there is an insurance gotcha with those. I refuse to take the risk because apparently Cologuard has a fairly high false positive rate.

Could Home Test for Colon Cancer Mean a Big Medical Bill to Come?

MONDAY, June 28, 2021 (HealthDay News) -- You decide to take a popular colon cancer screening test that can be performed at home, and it comes back positive. A

consumer.healthday.com

I mentioned that to my doc when she said I needed one. She said they are currently working on legislation to prevent this double jeopardy of sorts.

 

[WebSnyper]

Be cautious. I don't have a citation available but have heard anecdotally that some insurance companies will charge you more for the colonoscopy if the need is triggered by that Cologuard test because the colonoscopy is no longer seen as a screening procedure but as elective surgery

It seems like the sort of thing an insurance company might do

It's possible as there would be a potential diagnosis to warrant the actual colonoscopy, and it might not be covered under the 100% for preventative, but I've got good insurance currently and with my wife's stuff, we hit our high deductible every year and almost always hit our out of pocket max anyway. Sometimes we hit those very early in the year.

It can be the same if you go in for a wellness visit but complain of something that then gets a diagnosis attached to the billing / insurance claim.

 

[Cameramonkey]

It's possible as there would be a potential diagnosis to warrant the actual colonoscopy, and it might not be covered under the 100% for preventative, but I've got good insurance currently and with my wife's stuff, we hit our high deductible every year and almost always hit our out of pocket max anyway. Sometimes we hit those very early in the year.

It can be the same if you go in for a wellness visit but complain of something that then gets a diagnosis attached to the billing / insurance claim.

No, it has to do with the type of coloscopy. Insurance covers *preventative scopes 100%. That is what both Cologard and your first scope are considered. so they are free to you.

The problem becomes if you get a Cologard positive and need to get scoped to make sure its not a FALSE positive, its billed out as a *diagnostic scope. Which is NOT covered at 100% by insurance. They are often over $1500 out of pocket with minimal coverage by insurance if you havent met your deductible, which the vast majority of folks dont. <--This is a key point.

You dont typically get false positives in a diag scope because they are actually looking at it and there is no real reason to have to go back in. (unless they find something and have to go back for a 2nd look later on) So folks skipping Cologard dont have to worry about that.

I'll gladly spend a night on the pooper to avoid paying $1500+.


(*probably not the correct terms but you get the picture)

 

[WebSnyper]

No, it has to do with the type of coloscopy. Insurance covers *preventative scopes 100%. That is what both Cologard and your first scope are considered. so they are free to you.

The problem becomes if you get a Cologard positive and need to get scoped to make sure its not a FALSE positive, its billed out as a *diagnostic scope. Which is NOT covered at 100% by insurance. They are often over $1500 out of pocket with minimal coverage by insurance if you havent met your deductible, which the vast majority of folks dont. <--This is a key point.

You dont typically get false positives in a diag scope because they are actually looking at it and there is no real reason to have to go back in. (unless they find something and have to go back for a 2nd look later on) So folks skipping Cologard dont have to worry about that.

I'll gladly spend a night on the pooper to avoid paying $1500+.


(*probably not the correct terms but you get the picture)

Which is what I said. It gets a diagnosis attached to it and is not considered a preventative screen and typically benefits are different due to that.

I'm not worried about it. Took me an extra 30 seconds well maybe 60 as I had to get online and schedule a pickup of my "drop-off". Nothing "invasive".

 

[Cameramonkey]

Which is what I said. It gets a diagnosis attached to it and is not considered a preventative screen and typically benefits are different due to that.

I'm not worried about it. Took me an extra 30 seconds well maybe 60 as I had to get online and schedule a pickup of my "drop-off".

And my point was simply the charge is not trivial since most folks wont have met their deductible.

You mentioned you werent worried because you meet your deductible. Which is cool. For you. But not for most folks.

 

[oze]

Just be careful, there is an insurance gotcha with those. I refuse to take the risk because apparently Cologuard has a fairly high false positive rate.

Could Home Test for Colon Cancer Mean a Big Medical Bill to Come?

MONDAY, June 28, 2021 (HealthDay News) -- You decide to take a popular colon cancer screening test that can be performed at home, and it comes back positive. A

consumer.healthday.com

Also, if there is any kind of risk history, including finding benign polyps and/or close relative who had colon cancer you're not eligible for the do-it-yourself poop smear.

 

[foszoe]

The night of a thousand water falls! I’ve had upper and lower done and hopefully won’t need another anytime soon.
They do want to run a camera up the the front side to look at my prostate and bladder and brother that is not a fun thing to experience!!!!

It's not near as bad as it sounds.

Note to self: Never tell a urologist that protology exams have never felt uncomfortable in the past. He made sure to do it the right way. I left feeling so violated.