INGO: Joke of the day page

[Lost Californian]

rriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,!!


-Hello?
-Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
-No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.

After a brief pause

-But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Dave.
-Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs with Mommy. Right now..

Another Brief Pause.

-Uh, okay then, Honey, listen this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's home and his car just pulled into the driveway.
-Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

-I did it, Daddy.
-Good, and what happened honey?
-Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
-Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Dave?
-He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause


Longer Pause



even Longer Pause

-Swimming pool? What swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?




No Sir, I think you have the wrong number.........

 

[Eddie]

The Bridge​

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.



God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"​

 

[D-Ric902]

What do you get if you cross a draft dodger and a lesbian???

No, I had better not do that one

 

[kboom524]

Husband gets his revenge when wife plays with his gun.
Husbands Revenge

 

[redneckmedic]

What do you get if you cross a draft dodger and a lesbian???

How is Chelsea?

 

[steve666]

Incident at Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says,'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

 

[Roadie]

Senator Harry Reid Buys a Car

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[AllenM]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

That's not a joke

 

[Turn Key]

Wanta go fishin' ?

 

[SavageEagle]

Joke fail. It's ok, I got it in my email.

 

[hodgej1843]

skeleton walks into a bar and said to the bartender,let me have a beer,and a mop....kinda korny but i laughed when the old black guy at the hospital told me.

 

[hodgej1843]

HAVE YOU EVER FARTED,SMELLED IT AND GOT HUNGRY????

 

[PatriotPride]

:wtf:

 

[Deer_Slayer_90]

Mountain Climber

A man wants to be a mountain man, so one day he goes out and and climbs a mountain and on his way up runs into an experienced mountain man and asks,"What do i have to do to become a mountain man like you?"

After a few minutes the mountain man replies, "Go out and kill yerself a bear and in celebratio have sex with an indian lady."

So the man heads down and comes back a few days later and runs into the mountain man, with cuts and bruises all over and clothes nearly ripped off.

The mountain man asks what happened to him, and the man replies,"I did exactly what you said I want and killed myself and indian lady and had sex with a bear.

 

[Deer_Slayer_90]

Bartender

A guy walks into a beer and sets at the seat at the far end of the counter.

He overhears a man to his left say,"Hey jackass give me a beer."

Bartender pours him a beer, the man drinks it and before the bartender walks away the man says,"Hey jack ass give me a beer." Once again the bartender pours him a beer and the man drinks it pays his tab and walks out.

The man calls the bartender over and says,"Hey man why do you let him talk to you like that?"

The bartender replies,"Heehaw heehaw hee aalways calls me that!

 

[Benny]

A guy walks into a beer and sets at the seat at the far end of the counter.

Did it spill?

If so, party foul.

 

[lawrra]

Did it spill?

If so, party foul.

Party fouls are the worst. But, I don't ever remember punishment for them...

 

[BloodEclipse]

A guy walks into a beer!

Did it spill?

If so, party foul.

I don't think it spilled.

 

[SavageEagle]

So this guy walks into a whorehouse... Crap. Can't do that one.

Priest walks into a bar... Dang rules...



OH WAIT I GOT ONE!

Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard.


Back on the phone, Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'

 

[hodgej1843]

HORSE WALKS IN TO A BAR AND THE BARTENDER SAID WHY THE LONG FACE