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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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I saw that earlier. I shook my head. But, if it works...
A couple were welcoming their first child into the world. As soon as the boy was born he let out an angry cry looked up at the doc and to the astonishment of everyone, plainly asked the doc, "Are you my daddy?"
In shock, the doc mutters, "Uuuuhh...no, no uuuuhhh...Im not."
So the little dude looks at the nurse and again plainly asks, "Are you my daddy?"
She also in flabbergasted amazement barely audibly managed "Uuuuuhh....no."
So the little guy fixed his gaze on the previously beaming father who's now standing there with mouth agape. The baby asks angrily, "Are you my daddy?"
Shocked and confused the new father answers, "Yes son, I am your daddy."
With that the little guy reaches up with a tiny clenched fist, rapped on the top of his dad's head with those little knuckles, and angrily asked, "How do you think this feels?"
In shock, the doc mutters, "Uuuuhh...no, no uuuuhhh...Im not."
So the little dude looks at the nurse and again plainly asks, "Are you my daddy?"
She also in flabbergasted amazement barely audibly managed "Uuuuuhh....no."
So the little guy fixed his gaze on the previously beaming father who's now standing there with mouth agape. The baby asks angrily, "Are you my daddy?"
Shocked and confused the new father answers, "Yes son, I am your daddy."
With that the little guy reaches up with a tiny clenched fist, rapped on the top of his dad's head with those little knuckles, and angrily asked, "How do you think this feels?"
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First laugh of a crappy day so I threw a "like" on it.
My son was a little bit more polite, he just looked around, stared at me, sighed and said "aw crap"!
After 35 years when he sees me he still says "aw crap"! Some things never change!
Last night I went to a Christmas party. I had a few eggnogs, followed by some beers, a few cocktails, and then of course a few shots.
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waived it past. I arrived home safely with no incident. This was both a relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even remember where I got it, now that it is in my garage, I'm not sure what to do with it.
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waived it past. I arrived home safely with no incident. This was both a relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even remember where I got it, now that it is in my garage, I'm not sure what to do with it.
Inspired by the "Nate" joke (which was in this thread 3 times plus quotes), I submit a joke from summer camp back in junior high. When told right (orally), it takes 20+ minutes to go through. Since I had to write it from scratch, it's a little shorter today. But read the whole thing. 
No skipping to the end...
Three explorers from the United States decide to seek their fortune. They band together and travel to Egypt in search of treasure. After great effort and digging in the sand, they find a long dark entrance. They follow it down and come to a great room with three doors. Above the first doorway is a sign: “Whoever enters this room will die a fiery death”. Above the second doorway, the sign is: “Whoever enters this room will die a watery death”. Above the third doorway is the most ominous sign: “Whoever enters this room will die a scary death”. After a long debate, the explorers decide that each one will choose a door and find their fate.
The first explorer walks through the first doorway into a long tunnel. Still worried about a fiery death, he decides to take his chances anyway. The tunnel opens up into a large chamber. Inside, the large chamber is full of gold. The first explorer empties his backpack and fills it with gold. He fills his shirt pockets with gold. He fills his pants pockets with gold. He fills his jacket full of gold. He sticks gold nuggets into his hat. He ties gold nuggets to his shoes. He empties his canteen, and fills it with gold. He ties together some fabric to make a case, and fills that case with gold. He grabs as much gold as he possibly can. Excited about his good fortune, he can’t believe his good luck. But just as he finishes picking up the gold, the whole room erupts in flames. Worried, the man is about to be burned to death. But at the last second, he sees another doorway. Going through that doorway, he finds himself out of the chamber and near the road to town. The man walks to town with his great treasure. He is able to sell the gold for $5 million and becomes a wealthy man. He charters a private jet for his trip back to the United States, and goes onto a life of luxury, enjoying himself.
The second explorer walks through the second doorway into a long tunnel. Despite misgivings about a watery death, he marshals his courage and decides to go anyway. The tunnel opens up into a large chamber. Inside, the large chamber is full of silver. He empties his backpack and fills it with silver. He fills his shirt pockets with silver. He fills his pants pockets with silver. He fills his jacket full of silver. He sticks silver nuggets into his hat. He ties silver nuggets to his shoes. He empties his canteen, and fills it with sliver. He ties together some fabric to make a case, and fills that case with silver. He grabs as much silver as he possibly can. Excited about his good fortune, he can’t believe his good luck. But just as he finishes picking up the silver, the whole room starts to fill with water. Worried, the man is about to be drowned. But at the last second, he sees another doorway. Going through that doorway, he finds himself out of the water-filled chamber and near the road to town. The man walks to town with his great treasure. He is able to sell the silver for $2 million, and becomes a wealthy man. Not quite as rich as the first man, he still buys a first class ticket for his trip back to the U.S. He also goes onto a life of luxury.
The third explorer walks through the third doorway into a long tunnel. Very worried about the scary death, he gathers himself together and decides to try regardless. Inside, the large chamber is mostly empty. The man searches the entire room, and only sees a coffin near the end of it. When the man approaches the coffin, it gets up and hovers toward him. He runs out screaming back the way he came. After a long and terrible hike, the man eventually makes it to town, penniless and exhausted. After taking months of odd jobs, he eventually is able to scrape together enough to get a coach seat on a no-frills carrier.
Once back in the U.S., the third explorer applies himself to knowledge and hard work. After founding a technology startup, he finally obtains material success. He sells his tech startup for $10 million dollars and retires early into a life of luxury. The third explorer builds a palatial mansion in Carmel, where he planned to spend his days enjoying life.
But the third explorer always wonders what happened to his two compatriots, as they had gone off together to find their fortune those many years ago. One day, while reading the paper, he sees an obituary for his friend the first explorer. The first explorer was in the nightclub he owned when a terrible fire broke out. While others made it out in time, the first explorer tripped over a chair, right where the fire was the hottest. As the flames engulfed the building, he was unable to get away and instead perished in the inferno. The third explorer is aghast, remembering the sign from all those years ago and the promise of a fiery death to the first explorer. Concerned, the third explorer spends time on self-defense training. He becomes an expert at martial arts, and feels that will protect him if the worst comes.
About a year later, the third explorer is again reading the paper, and comes across an obituary for the second explorer. The second explorer was in his luxury yacht off the coast of Florida. The captain wasn’t paying attention and hit a submerged rock. While the yacht was sinking, the second explorer tried to escape. But instead he got tied up in the ropes when trying to get onto the lifeboat. Unable to get free, the second explorer went down with his boat and succumbed to drowning. In reading this, the third explorer becomes even more concerned. He devotes himself to firearms training, becoming an expert marksman.
Another year passed, and the third explorer reads a headline “Scary coffin seen entering the United States”. The man realizes what this means, and upgrades his home security. He installs state-of-the-art alarms, unbreakable windows, a large iron fence on top of a concrete wall, a steel barrier at the entrance, security rated doors, and the best locks money can buy. He is too scared to leave his home, and plans to stay where he is fully protected until the threat passes.
A week later, the third explorer is flipping through the channels when he sees a new headline. “Scary coffin seen entering Indiana”. Even more terrified, he hires armed security to patrol his grounds and home. A squad of ex-military experts are hired to provide this service. These men are professionals and carefully vet any deliveries, fully controlling all access to the mansion. They are all skilled with various arms, and come prepared. They even procure an armored vehicle with a .50 machine gun on top, which patrols the grounds around the third explorer’s mansion 24/7.
Another week passes, and the third explorer catches the local news. “Scary coffin seen entering Carmel”. The man is frantic. He knows what is in store for him, and will do anything to stop it. The third explorer has a contact within the army, and bribes the local commander to help him. They detail two M1-Abrams tanks to the grounds of the third explorer’s home. These tanks are fully crew and armed for this duty.
After only one more day, the man is watching from his windows, when he sees the coffin coming up the road. He can see it’s the same coffin from back in Egypt all those years ago, as he has feared. The armored vehicle, which is on patrol, opens up with the .50 BMG. The bullets bounce off the coffin with no affect. It just keeps coming. After firing multiple bursts, the driver turns around and abandons the defense. The coffin approaches nearer and comes to the property line. It tears through the steel entry barrier like it was paper and keeps coming. By now, both tanks have set their range on the target and open up with a barrage. They file high-explosive shells, hitting the coffin dead-on. After the explosion clears, the coffin is still there, undamaged. This is followed-up by incendiary rounds. Despite the great fire, the coffin continues forward without a scratch. The tankers watch on in disbelief.
By now, the security personnel are manning the entrance to the mansion. They open up with everything they have. One has even acquired a couple of grenades. The grenades explode on the coffin, doing nothing. The security men attempt to hold their ground, but cannot do anything to stop this threat. At the last second, the security men run in terror, as the coffin cannot be halted.
The coffin breaches the front security door of the mansion without any effort. The man is standing there, all alone now that his protectors have absconded. He opens up with his AR-15. Thirty rounds of 5.56 all hit dead-center at the same point on the coffin. They do nothing. He draws his 1911 and hits it with 9 rounds of .45, all dead-center with perfect aim. They do nothing. The coffin keeps coming along. The man runs up the grand staircase, and into his palatial bedroom. He bars the heavy door, and throws everything in front of it. He blocks the door with a massive oak wardrobe, followed by a dresser, and then a chest of drawers. The coffin slams through the door. The wardrobe, dresser, and chest all go flying off, not slowing it down in the slightest. The coffin continues through the bedroom, advancing on the third explorer.
He is desperate, and is just throwing everything he can think of at the coffin. He dumps his bookcase on the coffin; it just keeps coming. He throws the heavy books: encyclopedia set, world factbook, complete works of Shakespeare, War & Peace, Atlas Shrugged. Nothing… The coffin keeps coming. He throws a lamp. It keeps coming. He tosses a heavy picture frame. It keeps coming. He rolls a large globe into the coffin. It keeps coming. The man grabs everything in his nightstand and throws it at the coffin. But it makes no difference.
The third explorer runs into the master bathroom and bars the door. He braces the doors with a towel rack and a heavy bronze stopper. The coffin crashed through the door with indifference. It wipes through the stopper and other obstacles. The man opens his medicine cabinet and throws his toothbrush, his toothpaste, his deodorant, his soap, and his shampoo. He throws his bandages and rubbing alcohol. He’s now backed against a wall, and the coffin is almost upon him. The man has no escape. He grabs whatever he can, and hurls aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, caffeine pills, diet pills, analgesic, laxatives, gas relief medicine, motion sickness medicine, … The coffin continues. The man grabs a bottle of Vick’s and throws it at the coffin.
The Vick’s hits the coffin and the coffin disappears. The man is in disbelief. He’s been saved.
The moral of the story is “Vick’s stops the coughin’”.
No skipping to the end...Three explorers from the United States decide to seek their fortune. They band together and travel to Egypt in search of treasure. After great effort and digging in the sand, they find a long dark entrance. They follow it down and come to a great room with three doors. Above the first doorway is a sign: “Whoever enters this room will die a fiery death”. Above the second doorway, the sign is: “Whoever enters this room will die a watery death”. Above the third doorway is the most ominous sign: “Whoever enters this room will die a scary death”. After a long debate, the explorers decide that each one will choose a door and find their fate.
The first explorer walks through the first doorway into a long tunnel. Still worried about a fiery death, he decides to take his chances anyway. The tunnel opens up into a large chamber. Inside, the large chamber is full of gold. The first explorer empties his backpack and fills it with gold. He fills his shirt pockets with gold. He fills his pants pockets with gold. He fills his jacket full of gold. He sticks gold nuggets into his hat. He ties gold nuggets to his shoes. He empties his canteen, and fills it with gold. He ties together some fabric to make a case, and fills that case with gold. He grabs as much gold as he possibly can. Excited about his good fortune, he can’t believe his good luck. But just as he finishes picking up the gold, the whole room erupts in flames. Worried, the man is about to be burned to death. But at the last second, he sees another doorway. Going through that doorway, he finds himself out of the chamber and near the road to town. The man walks to town with his great treasure. He is able to sell the gold for $5 million and becomes a wealthy man. He charters a private jet for his trip back to the United States, and goes onto a life of luxury, enjoying himself.
The second explorer walks through the second doorway into a long tunnel. Despite misgivings about a watery death, he marshals his courage and decides to go anyway. The tunnel opens up into a large chamber. Inside, the large chamber is full of silver. He empties his backpack and fills it with silver. He fills his shirt pockets with silver. He fills his pants pockets with silver. He fills his jacket full of silver. He sticks silver nuggets into his hat. He ties silver nuggets to his shoes. He empties his canteen, and fills it with sliver. He ties together some fabric to make a case, and fills that case with silver. He grabs as much silver as he possibly can. Excited about his good fortune, he can’t believe his good luck. But just as he finishes picking up the silver, the whole room starts to fill with water. Worried, the man is about to be drowned. But at the last second, he sees another doorway. Going through that doorway, he finds himself out of the water-filled chamber and near the road to town. The man walks to town with his great treasure. He is able to sell the silver for $2 million, and becomes a wealthy man. Not quite as rich as the first man, he still buys a first class ticket for his trip back to the U.S. He also goes onto a life of luxury.
The third explorer walks through the third doorway into a long tunnel. Very worried about the scary death, he gathers himself together and decides to try regardless. Inside, the large chamber is mostly empty. The man searches the entire room, and only sees a coffin near the end of it. When the man approaches the coffin, it gets up and hovers toward him. He runs out screaming back the way he came. After a long and terrible hike, the man eventually makes it to town, penniless and exhausted. After taking months of odd jobs, he eventually is able to scrape together enough to get a coach seat on a no-frills carrier.
Once back in the U.S., the third explorer applies himself to knowledge and hard work. After founding a technology startup, he finally obtains material success. He sells his tech startup for $10 million dollars and retires early into a life of luxury. The third explorer builds a palatial mansion in Carmel, where he planned to spend his days enjoying life.
But the third explorer always wonders what happened to his two compatriots, as they had gone off together to find their fortune those many years ago. One day, while reading the paper, he sees an obituary for his friend the first explorer. The first explorer was in the nightclub he owned when a terrible fire broke out. While others made it out in time, the first explorer tripped over a chair, right where the fire was the hottest. As the flames engulfed the building, he was unable to get away and instead perished in the inferno. The third explorer is aghast, remembering the sign from all those years ago and the promise of a fiery death to the first explorer. Concerned, the third explorer spends time on self-defense training. He becomes an expert at martial arts, and feels that will protect him if the worst comes.
About a year later, the third explorer is again reading the paper, and comes across an obituary for the second explorer. The second explorer was in his luxury yacht off the coast of Florida. The captain wasn’t paying attention and hit a submerged rock. While the yacht was sinking, the second explorer tried to escape. But instead he got tied up in the ropes when trying to get onto the lifeboat. Unable to get free, the second explorer went down with his boat and succumbed to drowning. In reading this, the third explorer becomes even more concerned. He devotes himself to firearms training, becoming an expert marksman.
Another year passed, and the third explorer reads a headline “Scary coffin seen entering the United States”. The man realizes what this means, and upgrades his home security. He installs state-of-the-art alarms, unbreakable windows, a large iron fence on top of a concrete wall, a steel barrier at the entrance, security rated doors, and the best locks money can buy. He is too scared to leave his home, and plans to stay where he is fully protected until the threat passes.
A week later, the third explorer is flipping through the channels when he sees a new headline. “Scary coffin seen entering Indiana”. Even more terrified, he hires armed security to patrol his grounds and home. A squad of ex-military experts are hired to provide this service. These men are professionals and carefully vet any deliveries, fully controlling all access to the mansion. They are all skilled with various arms, and come prepared. They even procure an armored vehicle with a .50 machine gun on top, which patrols the grounds around the third explorer’s mansion 24/7.
Another week passes, and the third explorer catches the local news. “Scary coffin seen entering Carmel”. The man is frantic. He knows what is in store for him, and will do anything to stop it. The third explorer has a contact within the army, and bribes the local commander to help him. They detail two M1-Abrams tanks to the grounds of the third explorer’s home. These tanks are fully crew and armed for this duty.
After only one more day, the man is watching from his windows, when he sees the coffin coming up the road. He can see it’s the same coffin from back in Egypt all those years ago, as he has feared. The armored vehicle, which is on patrol, opens up with the .50 BMG. The bullets bounce off the coffin with no affect. It just keeps coming. After firing multiple bursts, the driver turns around and abandons the defense. The coffin approaches nearer and comes to the property line. It tears through the steel entry barrier like it was paper and keeps coming. By now, both tanks have set their range on the target and open up with a barrage. They file high-explosive shells, hitting the coffin dead-on. After the explosion clears, the coffin is still there, undamaged. This is followed-up by incendiary rounds. Despite the great fire, the coffin continues forward without a scratch. The tankers watch on in disbelief.
By now, the security personnel are manning the entrance to the mansion. They open up with everything they have. One has even acquired a couple of grenades. The grenades explode on the coffin, doing nothing. The security men attempt to hold their ground, but cannot do anything to stop this threat. At the last second, the security men run in terror, as the coffin cannot be halted.
The coffin breaches the front security door of the mansion without any effort. The man is standing there, all alone now that his protectors have absconded. He opens up with his AR-15. Thirty rounds of 5.56 all hit dead-center at the same point on the coffin. They do nothing. He draws his 1911 and hits it with 9 rounds of .45, all dead-center with perfect aim. They do nothing. The coffin keeps coming along. The man runs up the grand staircase, and into his palatial bedroom. He bars the heavy door, and throws everything in front of it. He blocks the door with a massive oak wardrobe, followed by a dresser, and then a chest of drawers. The coffin slams through the door. The wardrobe, dresser, and chest all go flying off, not slowing it down in the slightest. The coffin continues through the bedroom, advancing on the third explorer.
He is desperate, and is just throwing everything he can think of at the coffin. He dumps his bookcase on the coffin; it just keeps coming. He throws the heavy books: encyclopedia set, world factbook, complete works of Shakespeare, War & Peace, Atlas Shrugged. Nothing… The coffin keeps coming. He throws a lamp. It keeps coming. He tosses a heavy picture frame. It keeps coming. He rolls a large globe into the coffin. It keeps coming. The man grabs everything in his nightstand and throws it at the coffin. But it makes no difference.
The third explorer runs into the master bathroom and bars the door. He braces the doors with a towel rack and a heavy bronze stopper. The coffin crashed through the door with indifference. It wipes through the stopper and other obstacles. The man opens his medicine cabinet and throws his toothbrush, his toothpaste, his deodorant, his soap, and his shampoo. He throws his bandages and rubbing alcohol. He’s now backed against a wall, and the coffin is almost upon him. The man has no escape. He grabs whatever he can, and hurls aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, caffeine pills, diet pills, analgesic, laxatives, gas relief medicine, motion sickness medicine, … The coffin continues. The man grabs a bottle of Vick’s and throws it at the coffin.
The Vick’s hits the coffin and the coffin disappears. The man is in disbelief. He’s been saved.
The moral of the story is “Vick’s stops the coughin’”.
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Anything in the air that long should have a stewardess
And free drinks !
NO
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat is in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.
