I need everyone's opinion!! All feedback is appreciated! About my daughter

[mom45]

As a mom who had two children that were essentially abandoned by their father, I would agree with all of the advice above. Do NOT drop out of your daughter's life. My ex was bipolar and had serious issues that led to my leaving the marriage. I encouraged visitation but documented all of the issues as there were times things appeared unsafe/unhealthy. I was seeing a lawyer about supervised visits when he simply stopped contacting me or his kids. He last saw them for visitation when they were 6 and 4. He committed suicide when they were 19 and 17. I only provide the background info about him to explain why he did not see his kids. I never denied his visitation even when he owed me 40K in support.

My kids both had issues with trying to understand why their dad didn't want to see them. I did my best not to talk badly about him in front of them, but I did answer their questions honestly and stated that I also did not understand why he chose not to contact them or see them. I assured them it was nothing they did, but was likely related to his mental illness. I do know my daughter had some pretty sad times trying to come to terms with this. I think every child deserves both of their parents in their lives. Be there for your daughter and fight for your rights.

 

[MCgrease08]

Double tap. See below.

 

[MCgrease08]

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[jd4320t]

Also, not assuming just making a statement...

You need to have your residence set up for her. Make sure she has a bed, clothes, shoes and everything else. Make sure she is kept clean and fed.

I really believe it was easier on my daughter because I did these things. She wasn't ever sad or missing her mom. She always had a good time and slept in her own bed.

 

[speedracer302]

Good luck my man! I cant imagine being in your position. I have 2 daughters and in that situation I can see that it would be too easy to loose my cool. As mentioned, focus on the end goal. Its critical for a dad to be a part of their daughters life. Best wishes. I hope it works out for you.

 

[Daniel686]

Also, not assuming just making a statement...

You need to have your residence set up for her. Make sure she has a bed, clothes, shoes and everything else. Make sure she is kept clean and fed.

I really believe it was easier on my daughter because I did these things. She wasn't ever sad or missing her mom. She always had a good time and slept in her own bed.

She still has her bedroom set up in my home. I take care of my girl! She is young but loves to say dada!

 

[KoD]

Heck no, don't give up! He best years are yet to come! You have the right to have her half the time. Be patient. She can't get away with it. Keep a log. Keep your cool. Let her do your dirty work. Best of luck!

 

[Tactically Fat]

STOP POSTING ABOUT IT ON INGO. PERIOD.

Seriously.

 

[KittySlayer]

Get a good counselor/psychologist. You have a lot of emotions going on that are likely screwing up your legal goals. Lawyers make crappy counselors and charge you attorney rates instead of counselor rates.

Counselor - when you meet with them figure out a way to handle all your hurt feelings about a failed marriage, not seeing your daughter, how to stay out of fights with your Ex, how to weather the storm until you can be with your daughter...

Lawyer - as noted you need a good one as the courts are still tilted towards mommy. Let your attorney get down and dirty and help you accomplish your legal goals. The attorney will tell you what they need and want to get you your daughter. Save the "she was mean to me" whining for the counselor and let the lawyer do their job.

Sorry, don't mean to come off as harsh but the situation sucks and you need a good outcome. It will be a long haul no matter how custody comes out but take the high road whenever you speak with your child. I never said anything to my son while his mother told him all kinds of stories. Some rough years but two decades later he is a good man and we have a great relationship. Not so much for his mother who got hers in the end.

I'm going through some rough times with my recent ex.

Her mom and I got in a huge fight and she left for almost a week and I had no idea where my daughter was.

...she dangles my daughter in front of my face. She uses her as a pawn in a game.

I want nothing more than us to be done and just move on with life.

...we got in another fight through text.

I have so many emotions right now. I am so angry that her mother uses her as a pawn to get to me.

I just don't understand why a women would use her daughter to hurt me.

 

[mom45]

Get a good counselor/psychologist. You have a lot of emotions going on that are likely screwing up your legal goals. Lawyers make crappy counselors and charge you attorney rates instead of counselor rates.

Counselor - when you meet with them figure out a way to handle all your hurt feelings about a failed marriage, not seeing your daughter, how to stay out of fights with your Ex, how to weather the storm until you can be with your daughter...

Lawyer - as noted you need a good one as the courts are still tilted towards mommy. Let your attorney get down and dirty and help you accomplish your legal goals. The attorney will tell you what they need and want to get you your daughter. Save the "she was mean to me" whining for the counselor and let the lawyer do their job.

Sorry, don't mean to come off as harsh but the situation sucks and you need a good outcome. It will be a long haul no matter how custody comes out but take the high road whenever you speak with your child. I never said anything to my son while his mother told him all kinds of stories. Some rough years but two decades later he is a good man and we have a great relationship. Not so much for his mother who got hers in the end.

 

[jd4320t]

She still has her bedroom set up in my home. I take care of my girl! She is young but loves to say dada!

Good. Good job.

 

[myhightechsec]

If you have a heart problem you go to a heart specialist. If you have a kidney problem you go to a kidney specialist.

If you are having a problem divorce you need a lawyer that specializes in messy divorces with kids involved. The average family lawyer doesn't have that kind of expertise.

 

[SouthernIndy]

If you do not do anything now, you will run the chance of never seeing her again, trust me , I have not seen my daughter for 17 years.

 

[indybrownsfan]

I can only recommend a Great Divorce Lawyer if you cant work it out.
Do your best to always be nice..Its hard but..Be nice ...As Patrick Swayze said in Roadhouse...Be Nice...Until its time to not be nice.

 

[TB1999]

I have a friend going through same thing. Can't believe how little he can do. He started a gofundme..not sure to what end though.
Good luck, I'd be crushed.

 

[OkieGirl]

1.) Get a good attorney and let him know you want full custody or at minimum shared (she lives with you one week and mom the next). Usually works best when you are in the same school district, if you can tolerate being in close proximity to the ex. This is about the rest of her life and her childhood, focus on that goal and the emotion can be rechanneled from the heartbreak of the breakup to the goal of raising a well adjusted young lady.
2.) Adopt the "minimum necessary" rule. No sharing of emotions or feelings to the ex. The more she knows about you right now, the more ammo she has. Always expect your words to be twisted, and it won't surprise you or catch you off guard every time they are. When possible, five words or less and via e-mail so that it is documented and in writing. If you have to, specify your request to only discuss visitation scheduling via e-mail and list the specific e-mail account she is to use.
3.) When meeting to pick-up/drop off have a witness with you, make it quick, have minimal contact, tell your ex nothing she does not need to know and could use to her benefit.
4.) Never speak of her mother negatively to your daughter. You and her mom are her entire world, you will find enough to talk about without any negative about mom. This will pay off much later in life, but you are planting the seeds now...you are teaching her how she is to be spoken of and treated. She is well loved, she is well cared for, and mommy and daddy adore her. Period. Kids are remarkably observant and the truth is so very hard to hide. If you feel compelled to teach her life lessons, let her learn to judge people by their actions and not by their words.
5.) Fake it till you make it. This will be damn near the hardest thing you have ever done but put on your best poker face. Find a truly trusted friend/pastor/counselor for those moments you need to break down and cry, but when in the face of your ex always be the pillar of strength and composure but offer her no consolation. You will keep it together when you are around her.
6.) The courts are not your friend. They will do you no favors. Let your attorney advocate for you and navigate that system - the judge doesn't care who is best or most equipped to parent full time, it is a dispassionate decision based on rules and your attorney will make that argument.
7.) Keep good records. Journal times and locations of drop off. Journal whether your ex was on time, daughter is well fed, clean, fresh diaper, her mood, is she tired or rested, etc... I know this sounds horrible to have to do and you may never need to produce these records but know that this type of record is being kept on the other side of this discussion. My hope is that you never have a need to produce them and some day they hit the shredder, long after your daughter has graduated from college...but keep good records.
8.) If possible, use a mediator to define the terms of shared parenting. Your attorney can organize a meeting where a domestic mediator is available to be a neutral third party. It may be that both parents can agree to the terms and present that agreement to the court. If not, a judge typically issues a ruling based on the rule of law.

Just a few life lessons I learned while divorcing a Clinical Sociopath...

 

[warren5421]

Have your attorney ask the court to appoint a Child's Advocate for your daughter as they can help stop mom or dad from getting to bad with mental games with the child. It will cost you and maybe her but is good for the kid. One of the best things to happen with my grandkids!

 

[Jtrain]

I feel for you man, I've been through it and to a certain degree am still going through it. It'll get better, just keep a level head

 

[Timjoebillybob]

She is a decent mother but has it out for me. Using my little girl as ammo.

Maybe just me, but those two things do not go together. Not at all.

Keep a journal with all the details. No matter how insignificant it may seem. Document everything.

Yep.

How recent is this ex? It sounds like emotions are running high, but someone has to be the adult and refuse to be drawn into a fight.

This, and if you have a problem with keeping your emotions in check, please take the advice below and talk to a counselor to get a handle on it.

And in Indiana you only need one party's permission to record a conversation, record every interaction with her, including when you try to show up for visitation

When I was having problems with my son's mother, I recorded everything. It made a huge difference.

MAKE A JOURNAL. MAKE A JOURNAL. MAKE A JOURNAL.

RECORD EVERYTHING. All interactions, in person, email, text, phone calls, etc.... take screen shots. Email them to your self. Every little thing. If you call to talk to the kid and she doesn't answer, record it. If you guys make an arrangement to see the kid, record it. If she backs out, record it. Record all positive interactions. Record all negative interactions.

TRY TO REMAIN UNDER CONTROL. BE THE LEVEL HEAD. It's hard. I know. Do it. It makes life better and easier in the long run. Trust me.

Can't be repeated enough.

Keep it civil. Bite your tongue went it comes to negativity. Do not fight in front of the child. Do not speak ill of the child's mother when she is with you. Just don't do it! The care and well being of the child is the most important thing. Give her what she needs. Document every penny, and the highlights of all conversions, good or bad.

What the child see's is what it will remember. Be civil, talk with the ex about this if you can. My ex put a big wedge between my and my kids. Looking back I can now see so many things I could have done to help my situation. But 25-30 years ago the moms pretty much had all the say so. not these days.

Never give up! Best of luck.

And this. And not just for your daughters sake. It may quite possibly help you in court. Don't be surprised if the court appoints a guardian ad litem for your daughter. Basically someone who isn't supposed to care what is good for you or her mother, just your daughter. Quite possible they will want to do home visits for both you and her mom, interview both of you and possibly your daughter. And possibly any significant others in your or your daughters life. If your daughter was older I would just about guarantee a interview with her.

Get a good counselor/psychologist. You have a lot of emotions going on that are likely screwing up your legal goals. Lawyers make crappy counselors and charge you attorney rates instead of counselor rates.

Counselor - when you meet with them figure out a way to handle all your hurt feelings about a failed marriage, not seeing your daughter, how to stay out of fights with your Ex, how to weather the storm until you can be with your daughter...

Excellent advice.