I find myself in a strange situation

[Lost Californian]

I am still not used to this new life. My head does things without telling me. My heart does it thing. Sometimes the two actually get it together and nice things happen.

Today was odd/different for me. The growing forehead and thinning top got me to just do a buzz cut many years ago. Put the 1/4" guard on the trimmers, and hack it all off. Did that Friday. This morning, I actually shaved. I rarely shave. I do not "grow a beard", I just don't shave. Usually I just use the small hair trimmers to get rid of the face fuzz, but I actually used a razor this morning. Then I got out a nice button up shirt, instead of the usual Duluth long tail tshirt I always wear. Then I found a pair of dress shoes in the closet that were bought for a special occasion that didn't happen, and I wore them for the first time today. As I was getting dressed, I slid the holster on the belt, and before I went to church, I even put the pistol in the holster.

I can't explain any of this. Dress up is not something I have ever been concerned over, neat personal grooming was reserved for special occasions. And wow, I carried my gun today. So it was just to church service and back, but still. Beyond my ability to fathom and comprehend. Only thing I know, today is 30 days since Sweetie died. Bittersweet day, overall. I thank God He still loves me, cares and provides all the things I need, even if I do not know what I need.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Joniki]

I am sorry for your loss. I think you sharing your feelings here is excellent therapy...

 

[Gunaddict]

Please be patient, and read it all.

After a long illness, my wife died on January 18th. Of all the things that come after your spouse dies, this one came out of the blue -

I no longer have a desire to carry a gun. Been having a firearm handy at all times for the last 20 years or so, and these days I just can't/don't put the holster on the belt when I get dressed. It is weird, from my point of view. I can say I kinda got out of the habit a few months ago, when I was the full time caregiver and not leaving the house much. But it is deeper than that. I really just have no desire to put one on when I am going out and about, short run to the store, or long day selling stuff for large cash amounts. Part of me wants to change the home defense plan, and put up some firearms. The ones mainly in place for her to use. Then I would have to redo the whole plan, because I think of those guns when I ponder the 'what ifs' regarding home invasion, and I just can't muster the brain power to do that, so they stay where they are.

Of my two carry guns, one is small and light, I don't even notice when I carry that one. The other is larger and more potent, and I do notice the weight when I carry it. Still do not want to have one on me. And I just cannot understand this at all. Is this a passing phase that will go away sometime, or is it a way to to inadvertently engineer my own demise? I can't figure it out. I just know I am in a weird, strange place right now.

Just because - This photo was taken a week before she died. That is one of our daughter's dog's pups. Sweetie got joy from being able to have them on her. View attachment 331660

Thanks for your time.

I am sorry for your loss, sir. I went though something similar when I lost my dad last year, but I have had the opposite reaction when I am adding guns and carrying more often. We all grieve differently and I know it is me trying to fill the hole that my dad left when he passed. Talking to people definitely helps and it will take time to grieve in your own way. God bless, sir.

 

[Cameramonkey]

I am still not used to this new life. My head does things without telling me. My heart does it thing. Sometimes the two actually get it together and nice things happen.

Today was odd/different for me. The growing forehead and thinning top got me to just do a buzz cut many years ago. Put the 1/4" guard on the trimmers, and hack it all off. Did that Friday. This morning, I actually shaved. I rarely shave. I do not "grow a beard", I just don't shave. Usually I just use the small hair trimmers to get rid of the face fuzz, but I actually used a razor this morning. Then I got out a nice button up shirt, instead of the usual Duluth long tail tshirt I always wear. Then I found a pair of dress shoes in the closet that were bought for a special occasion that didn't happen, and I wore them for the first time today. As I was getting dressed, I slid the holster on the belt, and before I went to church, I even put the pistol in the holster.

I can't explain any of this. Dress up is not something I have ever been concerned over, neat personal grooming was reserved for special occasions. And wow, I carried my gun today. So it was just to church service and back, but still. Beyond my ability to fathom and comprehend. Only thing I know, today is 30 days since Sweetie died. Bittersweet day, overall. I thank God He still loves me, cares and provides all the things I need, even if I do not know what I need.

Thanks for your time.

Baby steps brother. Baby steps.

There will be a new normal. And it may takes months or years to find that new normal. Dont be afraid to try new things to get there.

 

[Lost Californian]

I cleaned out the her part of the closet, and dresser today. Roped my daughter in to helping fold the clothes to put neatly in to boxes for later removal. Found things I never knew about (nothing exciting, purses mainly). Biggest thought I had doing all that was, damn, we never had enough hangers before. Now I have a crap ton of them. For her side of the family, a bunch of birth, death, marriage, etc, papers. I contacted her brother and he said he would like to have them. Did stumble across two stuffed bears I had given her for valentines in years gone by. I put them on the closet shelf. The kid cried while folding, which got to me, because I didn't want to make life hard or painful for her. Still have the coat closet to clear out. I had to quit, no more boxes to put things in, and somehow I was wore out in a way I cannot explain. I am boxing the clothes to make transporting them easier. Still not sure where I will take them. I like the thought of donating them to a womens shelter, just haven't found one here in town. Maybe I should look farther out, I dunno.

One thing that I can't find is her watch. It was a double heart watch, very nice, diamonds and such, solid wrist strap, curved. I went thru the jewelry box couple days ago, and it wasn't there. Not in the dresser. Not in her nightstand. Checked all the pockets in the clothes, and went thru all the purses. Talked with the kid about it, and we both agreed we hadn't seen it since she retired. No real intrinsic value, just sentimental. Wish I could find it.

My daughter asked why she was crying, after all it was just clothes, nothing really special. I told her to me it was like peeling another layer of dead skin off the scar. Somewhat painful, necessary task. And we like to lie to ourselves. If we don't make changes like this, there is still the hope she will return. Even tho we know she cannot.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Lwright]

May the Lord bring you and your family peace, sir.

 

[Tanfodude]

Oh man, this is hard to read. The emptiness. May you have the strength on this journey.

 

[minuteman32]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine that, right now.
Your feelings, grief, situation are all unique to you. You may start carrying again sometime or not. Nothing ‘wrong’ with either. There are so many other things to be concerned with in life, I wouldn’t even concern yourself with it. Just heal. Everything else will take care of itself.
You’ll be in my prayers.

 

[Lost Californian]

LIfe is getting better overall. Still missing her fiercely. I will be burying her ashes in the flower garden she made, all by herself, in the front yard on April 6. Got the coat closet cleaned out. Today was spent going thru the boxes of pictures we had. So far, there are three stacks, one is MINE, one is for her brother to go thru, and the rest are for the kids to go thru. Mine are all the photos from the last 24 years, when we knew each other. The one for BIL is early life/childhood (he just gets first choice), the rest are from her prior marriage. I was bad, I stole a couple photos from the other piles.

I have been spending time working on my motorcycle. It is a Suzuki DR650, that I am setting up to be more road friendly. I am too old and decrepit to go true off roading. I just want a bike that will keep going when the pavement ends. So far all the changes are for creature comfort - new seat, lowered foot pegs, small windscreen and such. I attend Sunday morning service, a Bible study on Sunday nights, another study on Wednesday nights and a men's breakfast on Fridays. Getting back in to shooting, sporting clays, with my one close friend. He has a good setup in his yard with 3 different throwers. Thursday he is coming here and we are doing the course at Coal Creek Sporting Clays. My dogs are still different. They are almost clingy, and do not care for when I leave them home alone. No bad behavior, they just don't stop pestering me for attention when I come back from being gone. Finances dictated that I go back to my part time job this month. Been working about 30 hours a week since the first of the month. Hopefully, the retirement people will get things straightened out by April 1, and I can quit work for good. Time will tell.

Any way I look at this, God still gets all the credit and glory for helping me get thru this part of life. Re reading the words you all shared in this thread gives me confidence that there are still good, decent people in this world, and that it is worth living life here. Thank you all, for all the prayers and concerns and words you have shared with me.

One final thing. Out of all the things that are talked about when a person's spouse dies, there is one thing I have never heard any mention of, in writing or group discussion - sex. I sure miss that. Don't know what to do about it, either. I have no desire to start another real relationship with a woman, and one night stands and um, uh, "escort services" are not my thing at all. I have decided that I can grasp the attraction of the stupid robot sex dolls, however. LOL. (No, I ain't gonna get one!)

Thanks for your time

 

[loudgroove]

LIfe is getting better overall. Still missing her fiercely. I will be burying her ashes in the flower garden she made, all by herself, in the front yard on April 6. Got the coat closet cleaned out. Today was spent going thru the boxes of pictures we had. So far, there are three stacks, one is MINE, one is for her brother to go thru, and the rest are for the kids to go thru. Mine are all the photos from the last 24 years, when we knew each other. The one for BIL is early life/childhood (he just gets first choice), the rest are from her prior marriage. I was bad, I stole a couple photos from the other piles.

I have been spending time working on my motorcycle. It is a Suzuki DR650, that I am setting up to be more road friendly. I am too old and decrepit to go true off roading. I just want a bike that will keep going when the pavement ends. So far all the changes are for creature comfort - new seat, lowered foot pegs, small windscreen and such. I attend Sunday morning service, a Bible study on Sunday nights, another study on Wednesday nights and a men's breakfast on Fridays. Getting back in to shooting, sporting clays, with my one close friend. He has a good setup in his yard with 3 different throwers. Thursday he is coming here and we are doing the course at Coal Creek Sporting Clays. My dogs are still different. They are almost clingy, and do not care for when I leave them home alone. No bad behavior, they just don't stop pestering me for attention when I come back from being gone. Finances dictated that I go back to my part time job this month. Been working about 30 hours a week since the first of the month. Hopefully, the retirement people will get things straightened out by April 1, and I can quit work for good. Time will tell.

Any way I look at this, God still gets all the credit and glory for helping me get thru this part of life. Re reading the words you all shared in this thread gives me confidence that there are still good, decent people in this world, and that it is worth living life here. Thank you all, for all the prayers and concerns and words you have shared with me.

One final thing. Out of all the things that are talked about when a person's spouse dies, there is one thing I have never heard any mention of, in writing or group discussion - sex. I sure miss that. Don't know what to do about it, either. I have no desire to start another real relationship with a woman, and one night stands and um, uh, "escort services" are not my thing at all. I have decided that I can grasp the attraction of the stupid robot sex dolls, however. LOL. (No, I ain't gonna get one!)

Thanks for your time

One thing I told my mom after my dad passed was that she kept her vows to him. "Till death do us part". No one will ever replace my dad, but I understand lack of companionship. And I want her to be happy. It's her life choice if she decided to do what ever she saw fit to do, and I would respect it.

 

[Nazgul]

LIfe is getting better overall. Still missing her fiercely. I will be burying her ashes in the flower garden she made, all by herself, in the front yard on April 6. Got the coat closet cleaned out. Today was spent going thru the boxes of pictures we had. So far, there are three stacks, one is MINE, one is for her brother to go thru, and the rest are for the kids to go thru. Mine are all the photos from the last 24 years, when we knew each other. The one for BIL is early life/childhood (he just gets first choice), the rest are from her prior marriage. I was bad, I stole a couple photos from the other piles.

I have been spending time working on my motorcycle. It is a Suzuki DR650, that I am setting up to be more road friendly. I am too old and decrepit to go true off roading. I just want a bike that will keep going when the pavement ends. So far all the changes are for creature comfort - new seat, lowered foot pegs, small windscreen and such. I attend Sunday morning service, a Bible study on Sunday nights, another study on Wednesday nights and a men's breakfast on Fridays. Getting back in to shooting, sporting clays, with my one close friend. He has a good setup in his yard with 3 different throwers. Thursday he is coming here and we are doing the course at Coal Creek Sporting Clays. My dogs are still different. They are almost clingy, and do not care for when I leave them home alone. No bad behavior, they just don't stop pestering me for attention when I come back from being gone. Finances dictated that I go back to my part time job this month. Been working about 30 hours a week since the first of the month. Hopefully, the retirement people will get things straightened out by April 1, and I can quit work for good. Time will tell.

Any way I look at this, God still gets all the credit and glory for helping me get thru this part of life. Re reading the words you all shared in this thread gives me confidence that there are still good, decent people in this world, and that it is worth living life here. Thank you all, for all the prayers and concerns and words you have shared with me.

One final thing. Out of all the things that are talked about when a person's spouse dies, there is one thing I have never heard any mention of, in writing or group discussion - sex. I sure miss that. Don't know what to do about it, either. I have no desire to start another real relationship with a woman, and one night stands and um, uh, "escort services" are not my thing at all. I have decided that I can grasp the attraction of the stupid robot sex dolls, however. LOL. (No, I ain't gonna get one!)

Thanks for your time

It is difficult. Sounds like you are approaching it the right way by keeping your faith in the Creator of all things. At times nothing makes sense. Keep a strong heart brother.

I know your pain, wife died in 2007. The lack of physical intimacy caught me off guard as well. I was in my mid 50's so not so old.

Cleaning up her stuff reminded me of doing it with our daughters, 3 of them. We waited about 5 months then got together and did the closets/drawers. It was hard but therapeutic . They took what they wanted and saved some for the granddaughter . The 3 of us worked thru it in our own way, the youngest was just angry for awhile that mom was gone. It is neither right or wrong, just grief.

Every one processes it differently. I can assure you you are doing it the right way for you. You never really forget but it does find a place where you can look at it without becoming overwhelmed .

I want to encourage you. I eventually found a woman who is the light of my family's life. They love her as a mom. She is woman of strong faith and has healed us tremendously. Nothing is gone from the mom that has passed but we are making a good future for the family. Keep going it will get better.

Don

 

[DoggyDaddy]

One thing I told my mom after my dad passed was that she kept her vows to him. "Till death do us part". No one will ever replace my dad, but I understand lack of companionship. And I want her to be happy. It's her life choice if she decided to do what ever she saw fit to do, and I would respect it.

When Dad passed, Mom remained devoted to him for the rest of her life. She was 76 at the time and she lived to 99 years old. After he'd been gone for a couple of years, some of her friends tried to encourage her to find someone else but she told them, "No. I was Mrs. __________ for 56 years, and nobody else will ever touch my twinkie!" (You'd have to have known my mom to understand just how funny she was like that.) They met when she was only 14 and he was 19 and he was the only man she was ever with.

 

[cg21]

Reading through some of this helps me with the recent loss of my dad both the posts and the responses are encouraging. Appreciate you putting these things out there it’s helping more than just you.