Alzheimer’s -Confessions of a caretaker

[gungirl65]

Am in the same place with my 90 year old father. The stories I could tell.....The only thing that keeps me going is having a sense of humor about it. You are lucky to have other siblings that take up some of the responsibility. There are 5 of us and only my older brother and I do anything. The others don't see him, ask about him or offer any assistance. It has caused problems within the family that I never expected. This is the kind of situation where you find out what people are made of.

Just love her as much as you can and stay strong, even when it seems impossible.

I am one of four sisters. My sister who lives with my mom, her daughter and myself, are the only ones taking care of my mom. My oldest sister in Indy has never been asked to help and is treated like an outsider by everyone but me, so she is at a loss as to what to do.

My lovely sister in Delaware, who they use to spend all major holidays with, decided this past Christmas that she shouldn’t have to help with mom’s care while they are there because it is my other sister’s job. Needless to say after a few days of this they came home a couple days early before my niece chocked her. I must mention this same sister always told me and the good sister that she never wanted to have kids because she didn’t want to be a rotten parent like we were when our girls would not behave. She had read all the books and we were doing it wrong. Karma gave her a son when she was 40. He’s 9 and a handful. She has found those books aren’t always right or all that useful. Of course they still pertain to my mom.

Everyone has an opinion but they don’t always get listened to. Everyone complaining and no one helping pretty much destroyed my in laws. FX’s lack of willingness to help with his dad and his criticizing my helping with my mom, was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I refuse to grow any older with someone more inclined to drop me off at a home instead of caring for me if the need arises.

Anyone who doesn’t know me or the situation would probably think I have a bizarre and warped sense of humor. Anything can be funny if you try hard enough. I am more proactive while my sister is reactive. I take mom to the bathroom every few hours and help her get situated and then I clean her off when she is done. She had very few accidents while here and I didn’t have to clean any floors or scrub any clothes. At home she goes to the bathroom when she remembers or my sister or niece helps her and then I clean the bathroom floor and scrub her clothes when I am there.

My niece and I almost compete on who can have the grossest day at my moms. Bodily waste can be very funny if you let it be. Even the dog shredding things it shouldn’t shred is funny when the mess is big enough. We share laughs about stupid and gross things but it keeps us close and it keeps us sane.

 

[gungirl65]

Neither is easy

This is truly one of the more difficult aspects of life. It's really tough once the formal diagnosis has been made and you can't continue to dismiss the obvious signs with other explanations anymore. It's another example of how unfair life really is.

I'm not sure if it's worse to see a loved member of the family slowly dying mentally and then physically, or to have them take from your suddenly and unexpectedly. Both suck for sure.

Patience is something that is needed in abundance. When your personal limit comes to its end, then finding more is necessary.

Both suck. I don't know that we are ever truly ready to let go of our parents. Unfortunately I have been on both sides of that fence. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in the early 90’s. My mom retired from teaching to take care of him. He had a few surgeries and had been hospitalized on a few different occasions. He didn’t look sick. He was a big man and never lost any weight or his hair from the cancer treatments. We all thought he would outlive us all.

Whenever we visited I think we were more concerned with my mom having to do everything by herself than with him being sick. My dad was always helpless to a degree. He couldn’t get his own drink or bowl of ice cream but he sure could drive a fence post in with a fence post driver.

My dad’s colon cancer metastasized to his lungs. He was admitted to BMH on Wednesday December 18th 1996. We all thought it was just another routine complication. It was probably Thursday before we realized how grave his condition was. He had a DNR, we kind of knew by then he was never going home again. He was still lucid on Friday afternoon. He pretty much said his goodbyes then. By Friday night he was unconscious and never woke up again. We had the minister come by and pray for him and recite Psalms 23 that evening.

He died on Sunday evening December 22nd 1996 with his wife and all four girls by his side. He took a couple deep breaths and he was gone. The amount of pain he endured is unknown but for the survivors it was over with very quickly.

The hardest part for me is that no one talks about him near the anniversary of his death. My daughter and I will but the rest of the family is silent. I talk to my dad more now than I did when he was alive. I understand and appreciate him better now that I am older and wiser.