Preface: Before getting into this expose on awesome, please remember that a lot of money will change hands, a lot of perks will be afforded just based on name recognition, and you probably won't be able to afford any of it let alone be able to pull it off if you could. This isn't done to brag. The lifestyle that i am comfortable with requires a lot more work to achieve than what you're probably used to. Mediocrity is easy, awesome takes work. By reading further you are entering into a binding legal contract that precludes me from any lawsuit including but not limited to:
You sucking on a shotgun and subsequently blowing your head off because you can not achieve awesome status.
You punching or receiving a punch from your wife/husband/domestic partner for not being as awesome as the awesomeness contained herein.
You developing anxiety or depression due to a lack of awesome.
You losing everything trying to match my awesome status which is impossible.
To wit habeus corpus E pluribus unum veni vedi vici persona non grata coitus intteruptus et cetera
Recently i have been talking to others about body armor and what is needed to fend off the attacks from the unwashed masses. As you well know, i'm kind of a big deal. When i leave the futon i often feel exposed. I am frequently hounded by paperazi, fondled by women, and targeted by haters. initially, It was downright depressing. My mantra has always been, "sadness is for poor people" so i pulled out the old credit card and went on a shopping spree.
In today's, "why i'm better than you" lesson we're gonna learn about the pinnacle in gear that comes at a premium price. First, when it came to an armor carrier i wanted the best. I sought out several manufacturers who provided me with what Delta, the Seals, MARSOC, etc wears…I told them to get back to me when their product was on my level of awesome. I soon found that Crye Precision has all the answers to my substantial needs. I purchased a BLACK jumpable plate carrier.
Uninformed you: "But Vitamin K, Crye Precision doesn't make black, only green, tan, and multi cam!"
Vitamin K: "Perhaps you haven't heard of me, allow me to introduce myself…Im Vitamin F'n K. If i want something custom, then i get something custom. The commoners have to use the off-the-rack one-size-fits-all standard. Go ahead and ask Crye Precision for anything in black and see what happens…then you will know where you rate".
Prior to my body armor decision, i recognized a need to carry more equipment, but felt that a harness or LBV would do the job just fine. There is a give an take though. Though the harness is light weight and allows my awesome to seep through, it doesn't provide protection at all. This was my earlier set up.
I'm a very sturdy 300# man. Most of my muscle mass is around the chest and stomach area with a heavy dusting of fur for warmth and protection. It is obvious that i am genetically superior but some of that comes at a price. In the summer my warmth adaptation can be a hinderance, so i wanted light weight with cooling provisions, and well made. After a busy day in my funky stagnant old vest you could wring it out and make sun tea (which i sell for $5.00 in a bottle labeled "awesome juice"). Therefore the Crye JPC was the best option for me. I also wanted side protection so i got the extended length BLACK pockets (again, you can't get it as you're not me). I had to go extended length as my back and sides are rippled with muscle and requires more room to move. Damn these weight gainer supplements. The last thing i wanted was for the vest to cut into my shoulders so i rang up First Spear and got some BLACK shoulder pads…
Uniformed you: "black? but…."
Vitamin K: "…..blah blah better than you…blah blah money blah blah you can't afford this etc etc"
On a side note, i figured out where they got their design…I guess they figured millions of women can't be wrong.
As with anything awesome you get any 2 of 3 choices. Cheap, light, and well made.
If your vest is cheap and light, it won't be well made
If it's cheap and well made, it won't be light
If it's light and well made, it won't be cheap
I went with light and well made to keep with my banana hammock theme. It takes a lot of tensile strength to tie down this hog yet remain flexible and light weight for my intense karate maneuvers. The pressures involved are so intense that similar materials are used to press coal into artificial diamonds.
Back on Track:
In the body armor world there are several different options to go with and i'll explore a few of them below with the pros and cons of each:
I looked at crapi and ecrapi plates and found that i'm not fond of ceramic. They're heavy, they're thick, they're fragile and honestly i'm pretty rough on my gear. I often just throw my gear on the floor, and with your mother having hardwood floors, it tends to cause some issues. Besides, ceramic is so 2002 and they're expensive. It actually costs a lot of money to suck so substantially. Ceramic is for pottery, and pottery is for women and stoners. Besides what if the person making your plates is having a steamy relationship with a ghost? Would you wear this to protect your life? she's not even paying attention.
I looked at steel plates and i truly believe that after wearing them for 2 hours i would prefer to just get shot and eventually I'd do it myself if the enemy wouldn't do me the favor. I also don't think the Fiero's suspension can take that kind of weight. Besides, if your mother stubbs her toe on my plate carrier it just sort of ruins the mood. They are cheap and can take a hit but you could also just cut some leg holes in a dumpster and R2D2 your ass wherever you want to go for the same effect.
I don't want to wear steel as its not the medieval times and i'm not swinging a sword at a dragon while rescuing fair maidens, nor am i skipping down the road wishing i had a brain or heart or whatever.
The lightest, thinnest, tactically sound, most well made, and subsequently well priced body armor that i could find was MTEK. They're local so i contacted a couple of fellows and arranged the platinum plus premium tour package experience. If you call them up and ask for the same treatment you won't get it. They'll act like they don't know what you're talking about. Don't stress on it though. As your high school girlfriend once said, "it's not you, it's me". It's not that you suck, it's that i'm awesome…or maybe it IS that you suck…regardless, i'm awesome. People tend to go out of their way to have me as a customer and MTEK obviously recognizes excellence when it walks through the door. The first thing i saw when i entered was a HMMWV with a gunner wearing their armor. We have mutual HMMWV respect so that went a long way in earning my trust.
I put the MTEK plates in and found that the Crye JPC plus the MTEK plates were almost as light as wearing a Tshirt. I usually don't wear shirts, so it's a new experience and honestly a pleasant one. Once i added 3 AR-16 mags (what, you only have an AR-15?.. pathetic) and some 41 cal Glock mags i found that the mags/ammo made up 90% of the total weight. I'm confident in my decision. I'm no longer wearing a super hot or super heavy vest. My abs can breathe, and i can go farther longer without praying for death's sweet release as i was before with my ceramic set up.
So in summation, I exude awesome. Don't be upset as i have to work hard to maintain this level. For you the sky is the limit and you can only go up when you're firmly planted at rock bottom. Unfortunately I am already in the stratosphere, therefore i can't get any better. Feel free to join me but remember awesome requires a lot of work to maintain. If you feel like joining me up here know that it requires a lot of fundage and genetic superiority.
You sucking on a shotgun and subsequently blowing your head off because you can not achieve awesome status.
You punching or receiving a punch from your wife/husband/domestic partner for not being as awesome as the awesomeness contained herein.
You developing anxiety or depression due to a lack of awesome.
You losing everything trying to match my awesome status which is impossible.
To wit habeus corpus E pluribus unum veni vedi vici persona non grata coitus intteruptus et cetera
Recently i have been talking to others about body armor and what is needed to fend off the attacks from the unwashed masses. As you well know, i'm kind of a big deal. When i leave the futon i often feel exposed. I am frequently hounded by paperazi, fondled by women, and targeted by haters. initially, It was downright depressing. My mantra has always been, "sadness is for poor people" so i pulled out the old credit card and went on a shopping spree.
In today's, "why i'm better than you" lesson we're gonna learn about the pinnacle in gear that comes at a premium price. First, when it came to an armor carrier i wanted the best. I sought out several manufacturers who provided me with what Delta, the Seals, MARSOC, etc wears…I told them to get back to me when their product was on my level of awesome. I soon found that Crye Precision has all the answers to my substantial needs. I purchased a BLACK jumpable plate carrier.
Uninformed you: "But Vitamin K, Crye Precision doesn't make black, only green, tan, and multi cam!"
Vitamin K: "Perhaps you haven't heard of me, allow me to introduce myself…Im Vitamin F'n K. If i want something custom, then i get something custom. The commoners have to use the off-the-rack one-size-fits-all standard. Go ahead and ask Crye Precision for anything in black and see what happens…then you will know where you rate".
Prior to my body armor decision, i recognized a need to carry more equipment, but felt that a harness or LBV would do the job just fine. There is a give an take though. Though the harness is light weight and allows my awesome to seep through, it doesn't provide protection at all. This was my earlier set up.
I'm a very sturdy 300# man. Most of my muscle mass is around the chest and stomach area with a heavy dusting of fur for warmth and protection. It is obvious that i am genetically superior but some of that comes at a price. In the summer my warmth adaptation can be a hinderance, so i wanted light weight with cooling provisions, and well made. After a busy day in my funky stagnant old vest you could wring it out and make sun tea (which i sell for $5.00 in a bottle labeled "awesome juice"). Therefore the Crye JPC was the best option for me. I also wanted side protection so i got the extended length BLACK pockets (again, you can't get it as you're not me). I had to go extended length as my back and sides are rippled with muscle and requires more room to move. Damn these weight gainer supplements. The last thing i wanted was for the vest to cut into my shoulders so i rang up First Spear and got some BLACK shoulder pads…
Uniformed you: "black? but…."
Vitamin K: "…..blah blah better than you…blah blah money blah blah you can't afford this etc etc"
On a side note, i figured out where they got their design…I guess they figured millions of women can't be wrong.
As with anything awesome you get any 2 of 3 choices. Cheap, light, and well made.
If your vest is cheap and light, it won't be well made
If it's cheap and well made, it won't be light
If it's light and well made, it won't be cheap
I went with light and well made to keep with my banana hammock theme. It takes a lot of tensile strength to tie down this hog yet remain flexible and light weight for my intense karate maneuvers. The pressures involved are so intense that similar materials are used to press coal into artificial diamonds.
Back on Track:
In the body armor world there are several different options to go with and i'll explore a few of them below with the pros and cons of each:
I looked at crapi and ecrapi plates and found that i'm not fond of ceramic. They're heavy, they're thick, they're fragile and honestly i'm pretty rough on my gear. I often just throw my gear on the floor, and with your mother having hardwood floors, it tends to cause some issues. Besides, ceramic is so 2002 and they're expensive. It actually costs a lot of money to suck so substantially. Ceramic is for pottery, and pottery is for women and stoners. Besides what if the person making your plates is having a steamy relationship with a ghost? Would you wear this to protect your life? she's not even paying attention.
I looked at steel plates and i truly believe that after wearing them for 2 hours i would prefer to just get shot and eventually I'd do it myself if the enemy wouldn't do me the favor. I also don't think the Fiero's suspension can take that kind of weight. Besides, if your mother stubbs her toe on my plate carrier it just sort of ruins the mood. They are cheap and can take a hit but you could also just cut some leg holes in a dumpster and R2D2 your ass wherever you want to go for the same effect.
I don't want to wear steel as its not the medieval times and i'm not swinging a sword at a dragon while rescuing fair maidens, nor am i skipping down the road wishing i had a brain or heart or whatever.
The lightest, thinnest, tactically sound, most well made, and subsequently well priced body armor that i could find was MTEK. They're local so i contacted a couple of fellows and arranged the platinum plus premium tour package experience. If you call them up and ask for the same treatment you won't get it. They'll act like they don't know what you're talking about. Don't stress on it though. As your high school girlfriend once said, "it's not you, it's me". It's not that you suck, it's that i'm awesome…or maybe it IS that you suck…regardless, i'm awesome. People tend to go out of their way to have me as a customer and MTEK obviously recognizes excellence when it walks through the door. The first thing i saw when i entered was a HMMWV with a gunner wearing their armor. We have mutual HMMWV respect so that went a long way in earning my trust.
I put the MTEK plates in and found that the Crye JPC plus the MTEK plates were almost as light as wearing a Tshirt. I usually don't wear shirts, so it's a new experience and honestly a pleasant one. Once i added 3 AR-16 mags (what, you only have an AR-15?.. pathetic) and some 41 cal Glock mags i found that the mags/ammo made up 90% of the total weight. I'm confident in my decision. I'm no longer wearing a super hot or super heavy vest. My abs can breathe, and i can go farther longer without praying for death's sweet release as i was before with my ceramic set up.
So in summation, I exude awesome. Don't be upset as i have to work hard to maintain this level. For you the sky is the limit and you can only go up when you're firmly planted at rock bottom. Unfortunately I am already in the stratosphere, therefore i can't get any better. Feel free to join me but remember awesome requires a lot of work to maintain. If you feel like joining me up here know that it requires a lot of fundage and genetic superiority.
