INGO: Joke of the day page

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  • daddyusmaximus

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 98.8%
    82   1   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    8,508
    113
    Remington
    A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
    to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
    for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
    you did."
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
    it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
    "How many customers bought something from you today?
    The kid says "one".
    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
    to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
    The kid says "$101,237.65".
    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
    Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
    fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
    where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
    to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
    engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
    it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
    Expedition."
    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
    And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
    for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
    should go fishing."
     

    nonobaddog

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Mar 10, 2015
    11,794
    113
    Tropical Minnesota
    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

    Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
     

    JCSR

    NO STAGE PLAN
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    May 11, 2017
    8,971
    133
    Santa Claus
    A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2023 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

    It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress. You'll need to wear something nice.
     

    DCR

    Sharpshooter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 6, 2009
    691
    63
    A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
    Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
    "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
     

    daddyusmaximus

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 98.8%
    82   1   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    8,508
    113
    Remington
    Yo mama jokes, circa 1346: “ Your brains were left in the dirt when your mother dropped you out of her belly in that turnip field.”

    Apparently soldiers haven't changed much last 677 years... lol.

    From a book (last one in the series) I'm doing on Audible.

    Screenshot (139).png
     

    nonobaddog

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Mar 10, 2015
    11,794
    113
    Tropical Minnesota
    There was a Texan visiting Ireland on a business trip. One night he decided to visit a Pub to get the feel of a good ol’ Irish night out. Having heard of the ability of some Irishmen to really belt down Guinness without issue, he decided he’d put a wager on the counter. So the Texan yelled above the crowd, “I’ll give $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in short order!”
    There were no takers! In fact, one burly guy left the bar! Disappointed, the Texan nursed his Guinness and after about 30 minutes decided to leave. Just as he was about to head out the door, the burly man who had left 30 minutes earlier popped back into the Pub! “Hey Texan, is that bet still on?”, he asked.
    The Texan answered, “ It sure is, partner!” “Barkeep, set up 10 pints of Guinness!”
    With his fellow countrymen looking on and cheering, the Irishman drank one after the other without stopping!! The Texan was shocked and impressed! He handed over the $500 and congratulated the contestant.
    Curiosity got the better of him so asked the winner why he left earlier and then came back. The Irishman answered, “Well, before I took the bet, I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it first!”
     

    DCR

    Sharpshooter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 6, 2009
    691
    63
    A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
    "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
    It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
    One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

    "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
     

    DCR

    Sharpshooter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 6, 2009
    691
    63
    During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk for about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
    I waded along the edge of a lake, where it was boggy and I kept struggling to walk, but I kept going. I pushed my way through a major patch of brambles. I then slogged through a very sandy patch, my feet kept sinking into the soft sand and so I actually not only got sand in my shoes but also in my eyes.
    I later just managed to avoid standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
    The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all, I was so thirsty that I drank eight beers."
    Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
    "No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
     

    DCR

    Sharpshooter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 6, 2009
    691
    63
    Talking Dog For Sale
    A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep" the Lab replies.
    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    "Ten dollars" the guy says.
    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
    "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
     
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